An Update An Update!!!

I am actually feeling really good right now. I have an appointment with an advisor at the College tomorrow, have found some great networking meetings in town and am making new friends. I am only 3 pounds from my goal weight and look fabulous :) I haven't felt like writing but I have taken a few pictures, thought I'd share them.

Our bedroom at Sunset

Our Dresser

Sliding Glass Door in our Bedroom.

Some of the stuff from our Estate Sale last weekend.







I am ECSTATIC to have my books back in the house and on the shelf. I just keep staring at them. They complete me.. lol


I am hoping to start writing again soon. But, one of my goals for this year was to get offline and out to meet people. It's happening for me. I am very excited for the future.

Taking a Break

As you can see I haven't been around much at all lately. I want to apologize to all of you that are always there to support me and give me so much love. I just have a lot going on and no real desire to write about it.

But you can always find me on facebook. And my email. I am there all the time. I will be back sometime just not sure when.

And it's good stuff that's going on. I am getting busy with Alanon. (Thanks Fin) and I am getting really busy. I am going to lots of meetings and talking to alot of people on the phone and afterward. I am going to a conference the first weekend in April with a bunch of ladies and I got in touch with my old sponsor who will be there. This is what I need to be focusing on right now for my mental health.

T. and I went to the Art Guild opening reception on Friday night and it was wonderful. Some of my new friends met up with us there and let me tell you the socializing was a huge boost to me and to T. I think.

I am calling the college tomorrow or going down there. Gotta get on the financial aid stuff.

I took a break from the heavy workout schedule and diet. But I'm holding steady at my weight. I am just trying to not be so obsessive about it. I am doing great. I am feeling great. I am staying busy.

Hope all is well in your world. Love and Blessings to all..

Busy Mornings

I will have three busy mornings in a row. Woo Hoo! I think maybe part of my sadness lately is not having anything to look forward to in the immediate future. I am working on that.

I will be back in school in less than 6 months so I do have that to look forward to. I have to meet with an advisor really soon. I just need to set up the appointment.

Not much to write about really. It's March. The last time I saw my Dad was in March of last year and I think that's affecting me. I seem to be out of touch with my feelings again. I have been eating unhealthy again and though I haven't gained any weight, my emotional fitness seems to be suffering. I am close to tears a lot more than usual. I miss my Dad.

I also miss my kids and my sister. I don't know when these death anniversaries get any better. I am also really tired of having to handle them on my own. I can't turn to the person I love the most in this world because she is not available to me at all right now. There is all this distance and it is very hurtful and frustrating. When I try to talk about it I get told "It's all in my head". Which doesn't help me with the sanity factor.

I am working on step two. Came to Believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to Sanity. So I've been looking at the insanity in my life. Yes, there are a lot of insane things about it. My own actions have been insane many many times. I know I can't take care of all of this alone. I just don't have the faith I used to in a Higher Power. I just seem to have lost it. I can give it lip service but in my heart it just isn't there.

I am also struggling with my workouts. I do them but it is taking longer and longer to be motivated to do them. I think it's because of all the emotional turmoil I am in.

OK, I need to get moving this morning. I have a lot to do. Hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday..

Realizations

I had to swallow some hard truths about myself last week. It's kind of knocked me down. But I am not the type to stay down for long.

I thought I should update since I've been neglecting my blog and friends here for more than a few days. I am starting to feel more like myself again.

Today I got up and did my strength training and Tae Bo. I am proud to say I lost another 1/2 pound and I'm only 4.5 pounds from my goal weight. I'm actually in the healthy body fat range for my height finally! Yahoo! My clothes are all fitting rather loose now. That feels amazing. I have worked really hard to get to this point.

I read this in one of my meditation books "Doubt is an unavoidable companion of spiritual seeking. I don't have an instruction book so I must continue to explore and challenge my perceptions".

It always amazes me how my perception can be so opposite to other people's perceptions of any given situation. One of my writing exercises was to write about someone that has had a great influence in my life. I started writing about my mentor Kimbra and how she has helped me in some of the worst times of my life. She always sees things very different than I do. I trust her judgement much more than my own. I have bounced really important life choices off her before making a choice.

My goal is to find that within myself. I know my thinking is muddled with a lot of external things. I am searching for that spiritual calm in myself that guides me in the right direction. I know I have the strength I need. I just have to continue believing in me.

When I am thrown off course I can jump right back on and not spend too much time beating myself up for believing a lie or trusting people that don't deserve my trust. I do know I'm a caring and compassionate person who only wants to see the best in the people I love. I also know I can set really high standards for those in my life. I need to back off.

So I am continuing to build a life for myself today. I will get some more writing done later. I will get out and to the store to buy some more healthy delicious fruit for us and cat food for the babies. I will make a list of the things I want to accomplish this week and then feel proud when I start crossing off the things on my list one by one. It is a new week and a beautiful one. I am making the most of it.

Stoned

No, I'm not really stoned. But I do have a nice little endorphin rush that is filling me with peace. I really love my Tae Bo workouts. They make me feel yummy.

Yesterday was a little strained for me. I just have this nagging feeling inside that won't go away. I didn't even do any writing. The positive thing was that I went to my meeting and felt peace for the time that I was there.

I do have a lot to be grateful for and I want to focus more on that.

I'm grateful for

1. The beauty that surrounds me here in Havasu.
2. Having the lake so close to enjoy.
3. Finding my Higher Power again.
4. The ability to examine my own character defects and work on releasing them.
5. My sweet loving animals.
6. My new cell phone.
7. My health.
8. Endorphins!
9. Finding Alanon again.
10. Love in all forms.

I am at a loss for words. I feel depression sitting on my shoulder but I refuse to acknowledge it. I just sometimes feel that I make progress and then take two steps backward.

I am searching for the strength inside of me to keep moving forward and not stay in the steps backward that I seemed to take. I hope I can find it again.

We taped the sunset tonight as it went down over the lake. It was really pretty, like every night. Just thought I'd share it with you. I tried to get myself and T. in the video but it was too dark. Maybe next time. Hope you're having a fine Tuesday night.

Adventures in Writing

I have challenged myself to do something productive each day. Today this involved studying and writing. I also did the laundry which although mundane is something I enjoy. It comforts me somehow.

But the writing and studying I chose to do was extremely fulfilling. I looked up the word powerless in the dictionary and unmanageable. Then I went through the many books on recovery that I have and read about the first step. I am in a 12 step program of recovery and the first step says "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable."

I am not an alcoholic but I live with one. So I apply this step to my relationship with my partner. I am powerless over what others do. I am powerless over what they think, feel, how they act, what they choose to do with their lives. I am powerless. I can't make decisions for them and I can't make them stop using drugs or alcohol as a crutch.

Sometimes it's like watching a train coming for someone and not being able to push them out of the way even though you know it's going to kill them. But at least if that happens, I know I didn't cause it. (Kind of an extreme example but true for me). No amount of lecturing, crying, screaming, threatening, is going to change someone elses choices. They are people and they have the right to make their own choices.

My life becomes unmanageable when I become obsessed with all of the above.

So I wrote for a little while after reading so many good things and then I stopped working on that exercise. It was kind of depressing for me.

I am reading a book about discovering the writer inside yourself and there were two writing exercises that I did. One was to time yourself and write for 10 minutes on "When I write I...." the other was writing for 5 minutes a letter to the critic inside you.

It was so inspiring to me!! I had no problem with it. I loved it! I had no problem coming up with things to write about up until that timer went off. I believe in myself and my abilities. I know I can write and that's what I have always wanted to do. I just have to DO IT! Made me feel really good by golly :)

So, I just had to write about it here for a minute.

One of my Alanon friends came over and dropped off the key to the clubhouse today. I will be unlocking the door to our beloved meeting on Wednesday. This makes me feel good that I am trusted with the responsibility. I know it may not sound like much but it gives me a sense of pride. And it was good to see my friend today.

Nothing has changed here on the homefront but something did change in me today. I found I was able to continue about my day and even accomplish something great FOR ME! And I am filled with serenity this evening. I am grateful. So grateful.

I am looking forward the this evening with my shows on TV. It is the ending of The Girls Next Door and almost the ending of The L Word. Only one more episode of the L Word after tonight. I have my chocolate and my kleenex ready for the last episode of the Girls Next Door. It's on tonight at 8. So sad for me. I know, I have no life but I love my shows!!!

I will also be trolling the internet a little bit. I wasn't on the computer at all today. So cool. I did my Tae Bo and dinner is cooking in the crockpot. I hope you all had a beautiful Sunday. It was 80 degrees here again today and beautiful with no wind.

So, I'm rambling now and it's time to hush. I will check in with you all soon.. Love and Blessings to all of you.