I Recognize That Scent

There is definitely something in the air. The air smells different. Even in the house the air smells different. It’s not an entirely new smell; it’s a scent that is somewhat familiar. I had chest pains tonight and not from the aching and longing of missing somebody, it was anxiety. My old friend anxiety is back in full force. I remember feeling this way last year at this time and I blamed it on so many other things. I blamed it on quitting smoking, on the chaos I created in my personal relationships, on the lack of working and money. I blamed it on many things but it wasn’t any of those things, it was me. I have this issue every winter.

I miss the sun but it hasn’t really gone anywhere. It is sunny and warm in Arizona most of the time. I don’t understand how I can be affected by seasons that are non-existent. If I had never seen a calendar, never learned about the separation of months and seasons, would any of this be affecting me? Would I still be in the blissful state of peace I have had for the past 8 months? I am not a Saint; I medicated myself last winter with substances and people. It worked for awhile and then in the blink of an eye it stopped working. I remember the exact moment it stopped working, as is always the case with me. I remember every detail and every feeling. I know exactly what happened and I knew then exactly what I needed to do, so I did it. Now, I’m feeling this unease again and I am fighting it with all that I have but it’s not working.

Scents are so strong to me right now. I feel like I am on sensory overload. My sense of smell is strong and my sight is blurred. I am having issues with my eyes that need to be addressed, and they will be soon enough. But the issues of the mind, those I’m not sure I want to be rid of so quickly. If I could tap into them somehow I know I could be creative with them, like I was last winter. I wrote so much and felt so inspired and I want to feel that again. Maybe subconsciously I know this that is why these feelings are being brought to the forefront once again. All I know is to write it out and try and be in the moment, smell the scents that are surrounding me and just BE.

Passionate Inspiration

She told me that morning, as we drank our coffee, that she believed I was in love with the remembrance of our passionate nights more than the passionate encounter themselves. I took offense to the comment then but in retrospect I believe there was a bit of truth in this statement. Virginia Woolf once said: about past emotions that ‎"I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realises an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past."

We are insanely sexual people. We still have wild nights and days that leave us breathless and grateful that we are so attracted to each other. We still create scenarios and anticipation and that is, I believe what keeps us so wildly fervent for each other. I do also realize that chemistry is important when it comes to sexual attraction and that chemistry has not faded, in fact it has grown, after almost 16 years.

It is the afterglow that I thrive in. It is the rumpled sheets and the clothes strewn all over the room that cause me to remember and expand upon in my minds eye. I look at these things and it brings back pictures in my mind of the night before. I love to lie in her arms and let my mind drift back to the night before, candles lit and music playing, the cat and mouse games that we play and it is only then that I have the complete emotions about the event. I am swept away the next day when we are cleaning up and living our lives, taken back to the night before when the world stopped and all that mattered was that moment and the breathtaking touches and strokes carried me to new heights of excitement.

The feelings about those moments grow and become more real in the days following, even more real than when I am experiencing them. It is true of most events in life I think. It is true that when I am experiencing something, whether it be sex or the death of someone close to me that the re-living and re-telling of the event makes it even more real and I do think sometimes that is why I retreat into myself and can’t even speak of it. I want to keep it to myself and not let those emotions become “too real”. I don’t want to take away the magic by sharing it or I don’t want to believe it really happened.

And so today, I have mundane tasks to finish and lemons to pick off of the lemon tree. The scent of lemon will overtake the scent of sex that lingers on my hands and that will be a little sad for a moment. I am the kind of person that likes to leave that scent on me so I can re-live the night before. I don’t want those memories to be left behind, even though, as Virginia Woolf so beautifully stated: “we only have complete emotions about the past”, even if the past was only 12 hours ago.

Anniversaries

I wonder who came up with the idea of celebrating or remembering anniversaries? Those significant dates that make a mark on your heart and cause your body to react when they approach. I know that we have many anniversary dates marking the deaths of loved ones and that when they start getting close, our bodies react. I will be moving along, working and doing life and then I get sad. When I look at the calendar I realize, another anniversary is near and that is why I am feeling this impending doom and gloom approaching.

Today marks 5 years since Trina's Mom passed away. It was one of the most horrible times of our lives together and I can't even bring myself to think of the details. But the dead do not want us to forget them, they love when we remember them. I loved her, she was an angel to me when my own Mom passed away. We would talk for hours on the phone and she would pray with me to get me to stop the hysterical crying that accompanied my grief over losing my Mom. She was the only one that could make me feel better when that happened. I miss her. I miss her presence but I can still feel her. Especially this year.

So today, I will work on a few things I need to get done and then, when I can I will remember her life and love.

Wednesday is my new Sunday

We spent the day together and it was lovely. We sorted laundry and took our bi-weekly trip to the laundry mat to wash the clothes, then lugged them home and began drying them. It doesn't sound like much, but when you don't get to spend much time together, every moment counts. We always browse the classifieds while we are waiting for the clothes to be washed. We look at the prices on washers, discuss getting a new one as well as a new stove and furniture. Then we may talk about articles in magazines, what to eat for dinner, and how we are feeling. It doesn't take long until the clothes are finished washing and then we either pick up something for lunch or come home and fix it together. These little things mean a lot to me now. I used to pride myself on not needing to have my partner with me every moment of every day, now I cherish the closeness.

After eating, we hopped back in bed to snuggle and watch "The Crucible" which made us both cry. What a great movie. I read the book years ago, and saw the play, but the movie was fantastic. I loved Daniel Day Lewis and thought he played John Proctor very well. I dozed off a few times but not for long.

I want to post some pictures that I didn't get around to posting from our holidays. I really enjoyed our Christmas but am looking forward to the next holiday which is my favorite, Valentines Day. And then of course it is our 16th anniversary together and that deserves a major celebration.

Christmas morning. We opened our presents and then had a lovely breakfast together. It was so nice to be appreciative of each moment we had that morning. We have spent more than enough of our time rushing through things. Not anymore.

Trina and Katie. I love this shot of them.

Christmas chaos. Shanda threatened me with bodily harm if I posted this on facebook. She is pretty self conscious about photos of herself. I think she is beautiful.

Trina and Shanda. Trina is trying to get her helicopter off the ground. They finally went outside to play with it. It was a lot of fun to watch and take pictures :) I love my family.
It was a great holiday season. New Years was quiet, we were probably asleep by 12:15 but we were both exhausted from work. I'm so happy to be starting a new year and making new memories. Life is Beautiful.