Ghosts

I've had ghosts around me for awhile now. We watched "What Lies Beneath" the other night, and the woman in the movie is seeing the ghost of someone she doesn't know. When she starts researching, she discovers that the woman is a younger student with whom her husband was having an affair. It's a great thriller, but I kind of feel like the woman in the movie. "Claire", played by Michelle Pfeiffer is very anxious, and I have a lot of anxiety this month, so far anyway. Yesterday I started watching VHS tapes of my Mom and my kids when they were little. It broke my heart and made me feel very hopeless. I have depression. When it hits me it feels like I am the worst person in the world. I can't do anything right and I feel very much like I want to run. I would run, but I don't have the energy to run. I feel very lost and alone and undeserving of love. Work keeps me sane, but if I'm not working I have other vices. One of my vices used to be sex. I pretty much have my TV binge watching and exercise now. I also smoke like a fiend and eat far too many sweets but hey, that's me. I can pull myself out of depressions if I focus. Depression takes my focus away. Yesterday I could not stop thinking about my nephew who died in November 1, 1991 and also my Mom that died. There are so many people that take their families for granted, that don't spend time with their kids or grandkids, don't keep in contact and actually care about their lives. My Mom was not one of those grandmas. She was the best. She loved my kids more than life and it is just wrong that she was taken from them at such young ages, and taken from me. I was watching a video from when I was 23 and drinking heavily. I was drinking every day and geting drunk every single day until I passed out. I was mourning the loss of a friend of mine, who was killed in a freak accident. I was consumed with drinking, every minute and it wasn't pretty. I was young and attractive and also married with two small children under the age of 5. I was strange watching that video and seeing myself at that age, and also very familiar. My Mom and I were very much in synch, if I walked by her and we brushed against each other, it was just as comfortable as breathing. We would smile, or nod and agree with something. I needed my Mom and she needed me. I also loved her and counted on her when I didn't want to take responsibility because I had jumped into marriage and children so young. I get really sad, deep down in my heart sad for the loss of my Mom. I miss her more than I can even express, and she has been gone for 17 years this month. It seems like yesterday but then again it seems like a hundred years ago. Grief makes time get all mixed up. I watched that video and then was depressed the rest of the day. I couldn't stop thinking about my loss and my kids loss and the only way I could let it go was to escape into something else. I've always been an escape artist. Like writing here for example. I'm thinking that dumping some of this stuff will help me to make healthier choices. Maybe the sadness won't overtake me for so long, or maybe I will have to feel that pain for a little while. I am praying and meditating and listening to my body. I am taking it day by day and working and moving forward. But my head takes me to some very dark places and I don't like what I'm seeing or hearing. I never thought I could feel that way again.