Monday, March 9, 2009


I had to swallow some hard truths about myself last week. It's kind of knocked me down. But I am not the type to stay down for long.

I thought I should update since I've been neglecting my blog and friends here for more than a few days. I am starting to feel more like myself again.

Today I got up and did my strength training and Tae Bo. I am proud to say I lost another 1/2 pound and I'm only 4.5 pounds from my goal weight. I'm actually in the healthy body fat range for my height finally! Yahoo! My clothes are all fitting rather loose now. That feels amazing. I have worked really hard to get to this point.

I read this in one of my meditation books "Doubt is an unavoidable companion of spiritual seeking. I don't have an instruction book so I must continue to explore and challenge my perceptions".

It always amazes me how my perception can be so opposite to other people's perceptions of any given situation. One of my writing exercises was to write about someone that has had a great influence in my life. I started writing about my mentor Kimbra and how she has helped me in some of the worst times of my life. She always sees things very different than I do. I trust her judgement much more than my own. I have bounced really important life choices off her before making a choice.

My goal is to find that within myself. I know my thinking is muddled with a lot of external things. I am searching for that spiritual calm in myself that guides me in the right direction. I know I have the strength I need. I just have to continue believing in me.

When I am thrown off course I can jump right back on and not spend too much time beating myself up for believing a lie or trusting people that don't deserve my trust. I do know I'm a caring and compassionate person who only wants to see the best in the people I love. I also know I can set really high standards for those in my life. I need to back off.

So I am continuing to build a life for myself today. I will get some more writing done later. I will get out and to the store to buy some more healthy delicious fruit for us and cat food for the babies. I will make a list of the things I want to accomplish this week and then feel proud when I start crossing off the things on my list one by one. It is a new week and a beautiful one. I am making the most of it.


Xanadu said...

Now that's the Lenn I like to hear from! You have your great attitude back, and seem to have a positive outlook. Good for you. Everyone is going to have moments in their life when they have doubts and fears. You are aware of this emotion, and are ready to tackle it. YAY!

Congrats on the weight thing, too. I've lost 13 lbs. so far. HUGS!

becomingkate said...

I think we all doubt ourselves. But I bet if you thought about it, most of the time you'd make the same choice, even without advice.
You're smart and tenacious - how else would you have had the career you've had?

Dorrie said...

I've been missing your regular entries..... they had become a part of my morning routine! lol

congrats on the weight AND on begining to gain balance.

Fijufic said...

Self doubt is so very difficult to endure...


Country-Girl said...

I have missed your posts, but I still get to "see" you on FB, so it helps. ;-)

You are on a difficult journey, but one well worth it!!! A book that always helps me is "Letting go of Shame" It is actually an AA book, but oh boy does it help. It really made me realize what my problems were and what I need to work on the most about myself.

Love ya sweetie!!

Cin said...

I hope your week is a great one.*hugs*

greeneyes67 said...

Thank you for all your sweet comments. You give me so much love. **Hugs**

Soiled Dove said...

We are all in this together, GE. This family that we've become... I can't speak for the rest of the tribe but I feel what you feel.

Now, get to posting... I miss you!!

Pamela said...

My mom always says that life is full of bumps and wrinkles. You are one of the most resilient people I know, and you totally bounce back from those bumpy wrinkly times! I really admire that about you, and it's definitely a lesson I can learn from you. ((HUGS))

greeneyes67 said...

Thanks Shannon :) I'll try..

Pam: I love you, you know that. I don't know how resilient I am but I'm glad you can see that. I guess maybe I am..

roux8 said...

EVERYONE has doubts! but peace is worth working toward, and when it seems to slip away, its worth working toward it again! *hugs*