I have challenged myself to do something productive each day. Today this involved studying and writing. I also did the laundry which although mundane is something I enjoy. It comforts me somehow.
But the writing and studying I chose to do was extremely fulfilling. I looked up the word powerless in the dictionary and unmanageable. Then I went through the many books on recovery that I have and read about the first step. I am in a 12 step program of recovery and the first step says "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable."
I am not an alcoholic but I live with one. So I apply this step to my relationship with my partner. I am powerless over what others do. I am powerless over what they think, feel, how they act, what they choose to do with their lives. I am powerless. I can't make decisions for them and I can't make them stop using drugs or alcohol as a crutch.
Sometimes it's like watching a train coming for someone and not being able to push them out of the way even though you know it's going to kill them. But at least if that happens, I know I didn't cause it. (Kind of an extreme example but true for me). No amount of lecturing, crying, screaming, threatening, is going to change someone elses choices. They are people and they have the right to make their own choices.
My life becomes unmanageable when I become obsessed with all of the above.
So I wrote for a little while after reading so many good things and then I stopped working on that exercise. It was kind of depressing for me.
I am reading a book about discovering the writer inside yourself and there were two writing exercises that I did. One was to time yourself and write for 10 minutes on "When I write I...." the other was writing for 5 minutes a letter to the critic inside you.
It was so inspiring to me!! I had no problem with it. I loved it! I had no problem coming up with things to write about up until that timer went off. I believe in myself and my abilities. I know I can write and that's what I have always wanted to do. I just have to DO IT! Made me feel really good by golly :)
So, I just had to write about it here for a minute.
One of my Alanon friends came over and dropped off the key to the clubhouse today. I will be unlocking the door to our beloved meeting on Wednesday. This makes me feel good that I am trusted with the responsibility. I know it may not sound like much but it gives me a sense of pride. And it was good to see my friend today.
Nothing has changed here on the homefront but something did change in me today. I found I was able to continue about my day and even accomplish something great FOR ME! And I am filled with serenity this evening. I am grateful. So grateful.
I am looking forward the this evening with my shows on TV. It is the ending of The Girls Next Door and almost the ending of The L Word. Only one more episode of the L Word after tonight. I have my chocolate and my kleenex ready for the last episode of the Girls Next Door. It's on tonight at 8. So sad for me. I know, I have no life but I love my shows!!!
I will also be trolling the internet a little bit. I wasn't on the computer at all today. So cool. I did my Tae Bo and dinner is cooking in the crockpot. I hope you all had a beautiful Sunday. It was 80 degrees here again today and beautiful with no wind.
So, I'm rambling now and it's time to hush. I will check in with you all soon.. Love and Blessings to all of you.