Saturday, December 31, 2011

Reflections

I have been reflecting on the past year and all that took place. I have to say this year has been another year of growth and change. It seems that every year is filled with changes but some are more extreme than others. The past five years especially have been life altering. It all started in January of 2007 when Trina’s Mom passed away. Things went downhill fast in the midst of our grief and the cracks in our relationship grew wider as the grief consumed us both. When you fall into survival mode, you fail to nurture the relationships in your life that are the most important. We both became lazy in some ways and diligent in others. Not only did we lose Donna but that year we lost Grandma and then in 2008, my Dad. Two job losses and one large inheritance of an estate that was in a foreign city and our heads were spinning by 2009. Change is inevitable, but sometimes the changes are so sudden and tremendous that you can’t even remember who you are.

Sometimes you start rebuilding right away and sometimes it takes awhile to clear the cobwebs and truly start becoming the new person that is necessary when you suffer so many losses. You are never the same, that much is clear, but you still bring with you so many of the qualities that are embedded deep in your spirit. The core of me has not changed, it has been strengthened. I have also acquired many traits I never thought I would possess.

I have learned to be more patient with myself and others. I have learned to accept forgiveness from my loved ones and to try and forgive myself. I have learned to look at my own actions and to choose a different course of action in the name of compromise. I have learned that I can still change myself and that it’s ok to let go. I have learned to speak honestly and compassionately and to listen without judgment. I have learned that people are never all that you think them to be and that it’s ok to love them, even when they hurt you. I have learned that I am a generous person but that I can also be greedy. I have learned that I am strong but I can also be weak. I have learned that I need to ask for help when I need it and that I don’t have to do everything alone.

I have been rewarded beyond my wildest dreams in this year and it has come about because I changed my thinking. One little phrase that I hear a lot on the internet and in circles is “fuck my life”. I changed that to “I Love My Life” and it came to be fact rather quickly. We have taken ourselves out of the cycle of poverty that we thought was our destiny and it had much to do with our attitudes. I am grateful for all the losses we experienced; it made us who we are. I am grateful that I am in love with the most patient person in the world and with someone who sees me as I really am, even when I can’t see that clearly.

This independent woman has become a little more dependent and even though that sounds opposite of what I have been saying, it is a positive thing for me to be able to do that. I have learned that it takes two to make a relationship work and that it’s not the best thing to “live your own lives” and I don’t want to keep secrets ever again. I have “unlearned” some lessons taught to me at a young age and I’m grateful that I have the strength and the will to do that.

I am entering into this New Year with a much more clearer vision of who I am and what I want and need. Transformation is possible, all the time.

2 comments:

maggsworld said...

Wow!!!! Thank you for the honesty. I suspect I understand the dynamic of loss and change and have witnessed your growth. I am delighted to call you my friend.

Dorrie said...

I am sooo happy that things are looking so much more positive!! Can 2012 get any better? {{{hugs}}}