Monday, December 26, 2011

One More Week

Another week of 2011 and a new year begins. I love New Years Day. I think I love it more than Christmas. It's a fresh start, a time to start over and to take stock of the past year. I am especially looking forward to this new year, looking forward to leaving some things behind.

I made some serious mistakes in 2011, I have many regrets. I wish I could take it all back and pretend it didn't happen but I cannot. I have faced many demons in this year and I have grown tremendously. I don't think I would trade it because it has definitely strengthened my character and woke me up from the haze of grief and studies that was consuming me. I can't say that I wouldn't trade it though, because I hurt some people and I can't take that back. I can't change the fact that I hurt people with my reckless actions.

I am watching my young cat go through her natural cycle of "being in heat" and thinking that she must be extremely uncomfortable to be so restless and angry and vocal. I can think back to last winter and it is pretty much how I was feeling. I was searching for something more and what I discovered was that I didn't need anything more than what I already had.

You can't change people, ever. It has to come from an organic place inside of them and they have to make that decision. I have witnessed this amazing transformation in myself and several people that are close to me. I have graduated Community College and started working again for the first time since 2008. Much of my restless spirit and soul were also tied up in the fact that I felt pretty worthless because I was not earning any money. I am the kind of person that needs to be paying my own way. I don't seem to do well allowing others to carry more of the financial load. It's just in the core of me.

I never dreamed, that this year would be such a year of growth for me. Oh, I realized I was changing back in December of 2010 but I didn't think I would evolve as much as I have. I still continue to surprise myself and that has been the best gift of all. We had an amazing Christmas and the best gift I received was that our love is stronger than ever and that I am forgiven. Completely and wholly forgiven for the wrongs I have committed. I am grateful and happy and free.