Sept. 6, 2011
Feelings are welling up in me and I’m not sure where it’s coming from. I woke up because of the thunder and my dog barking at the thunder. I started obsessing over some issues I have with procrastination. It’s anxiety, plain and simple. It’s interesting to me that when I study anxiety I get more anxious. When I took Abnormal Psych I saw a lot of symptoms in myself that I hadn’t seen previously. It makes me wonder about my mind and the way it operates.
I notice my anxiety and try not to give into it but it has a mind of its own. I think I am full of fears that need release. I can pretend they aren’t there but somehow they work their way to the surface no matter what I do. I have a great life and there is nothing wrong but my head works to create something to obsess over. I feel this unease and I’m not sure why except I am stressing over school, work, money and that seems to make me more vulnerable to the sleepless nights/mornings and the obsessions.
So, I’m back in school and it has triggered some emotions. It has made me start thinking and remembering last semester and re-living some of the things that happened that I’d much rather bury. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to feel any of this anymore. It’s not good for me and I am starting to wonder if I need to find a therapist to help me get through this. It’s eating away at my soul and I am starting to feel that old friend isolation again. I know what I need to do; it’s just a matter of making myself do it. I believe I have some dragons to slay.
I feel myself being haunted. I’m sure the rain is adding to this extreme sense of possession. I know I became someone else for awhile and I don’t want to become that person again. Maybe that was my alter ego taking over for a spell. Maybe I need to chop her head and hands off and let her bleed.