I remember now.
It is a rainy day and it feels more like winter than the hot and humid days of summer that plague us here in Lake Havasu City. It's strange, it's evoking first a burst of energy and then sleep... and now I am awake and wanting to write again.
It wasn't what I thought it was at all. I have this dark part of me that is awake when the weather changes and it's ok. I can use it to express myself creatively instead of destructively. I choose to use this in a way that will help instead of destroy who I am and all that I have. I thought I wanted to crush my life and begin again and say goodbye to all I thought I wanted. I wanted to create something new and I realize I can still do that without destroying all that is good in my life. It's not all or nothing. There are shades of gray.
I can plug into the deep and pull out what I need and express it without shutting out the love that so engulfs me. I think I wanted to stifle that part of me that was so cherished and just forget that passionate part of me but it doesn't serve me well to do that. I need to be loved and to be loved wholly. I have that and I will fight to the death to save it.