Monday, May 17, 2010

August 2006

We have started watching the first season of Six Feet Under again. It throws me back to the summer of 2006. Life was pretty calm then, except for the fact that I had a huge case of empty nest syndrome happening in my head. I missed my daughter terribly, it was her second summer away from me. She moved out in 2005.

We were dead broke financially but we managed to create our own fun. Tee started a new job at Fascinations, an Adult Boutique and we had lots of sexy nights together. But more than that I remember being alone a lot. She worked from 6 or 7 at night until 2 or 3 in the morning. I came home from my job at about 7:30. So I was alone in the house, truly alone for the first time.

I ate a lot. Compulsively ate. I was online a lot, spent hours on myspace and facebook. It was the first time I found solace in the internet, and it helped me with my loneliness. I was involved in Al-Anon but was not feeling it in my heart. I missed my daughter and the time we spent together.

It's funny, when you have children the can become your sole focus whether you mean it to happen or not. I never wanted to be one of those kinds of mothers that didn't have a life of their own. I always had my own life and passions. But I did focus a lot of time and attention on my children. Especially my daughter that was with me more years than my son. I had grown used to my son living with his father, I missed him but not as much. I had never been away from my daughter on a day to day basis and it was frustrating. I didn't agree with the choices she was making and I had no control over them. She dropped out of college and moved back to Phoenix. I felt like she was making huge mistakes. I am grateful I had people to talk to about these things back then. It was hard to watch her make such mistakes.

My daughter and I have a different relationship now. We have both grown up a lot. I miss her but not like I used to. She has her own life now and makes her own choices and I accept them. I accept her for who she is and I can see the compassion in her heart and the love she has for the people in her life. I can see that she is not me. She is not even an extension of me. She is herself. It has taken many years to get to that point. This summer she will be moved out for 5 years. It's unbelievable to me that time has gone by so quickly. I am grateful for the time I get to spend with her now.

Watching the first season of Six Feet Under was a lot of fun. I called my daughter all the time to get her views on certain episodes and to discuss the characters. We still do that after all this time. When she sees a movie she'll call me and we'll talk about it and vice versa. It's fun and something we have in common. I try to keep my conversations light. It doesn't pay to wander off into morbid reflection. She has the tendency to be dramatic like I do so we know better. Instead we enjoy our conversations and I love talking to her. In fact it's time to call her right now.


Dani said...

You are a fantastic mother and your kids are lucky to have you.

Moanerplicity said...

I'm seeeing this reflected in my own family, so I relate to yiour words. The most important and the KEY fact is this: "I can see that she is not me. She is not even an extension of me. She is herself. It has taken many years to get to that point."

You're so right and as a parent it's easy to forget theat children are people unto their selves. Methinks the parental ego implies that children are younger clones of themselves. Yet when those children declare or exert their own indy spirits and personalities, it comes as a shock and dissolves the idea that they are little mimi-me's.

But you've reached a place of accepting the reality and that's a good place to be!

Snatch JOY!



greeneyes67 said...

Thanks Danie! Thanks L. It has taken me a long time to reach that point but I'm truly here. I am me and she is herself. What a realization!