I used to have insomnia a few times a week. I would snuggle for awhile with T. waiting for sleep to overtake me and then get up and enjoy the quiet of the night. I would spend some time reading and eating and maybe take a bath, then I would get back into bed and fall asleep. This was a pattern of mine for years.
In 2007 when T. and I lived apart for the first time, I started taking Tylenol PM every night and the insomnia went away. Recently it has come back. I am trying to wean myself from the Tylenol PM and of course the old insomnia was waiting patiently, wanting to show it's ugly face.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I got up and came back into the living room and heard the old voices in my head telling me to eat. I am of course trying to change my eating habits and I've been pretty much in control for over a month now. So the fact that the binge monster showed up at the same time as the insomnia monster really threw me. I tried to talk myself out of it. Searching for something on TV to watch instead. It didn't work.
I ate but not too much. It was the equivalent of a normal meal. I even calculated the calories of my "binge".. What bothers me about it is that I felt so out of control. It was like I saw myself doing it and couldn't stop.
I have always had issues with food. It has been my comforter, my friend, my sleeping pill. I am trying to change my feelings about food and look at it as just nourishment but it's hard to let old habits and feelings die. I realize this has been going on for years and it's not going to change overnight.
I remember being a child and lying awake in my room listening to my Mom rummaging for food and eating uncontrollably. I also heard the purging that went on afterward. My Mom was a bulimic. I imagine it was her control in life. She had so little control over my Father's drinking and needed to control something. I wasn't really aware of what was happening then but in retrospect I can see it clearly now. I believe those things stay with you and make imprints on your psyche. They can influence your choices and they certainly influenced mine.
I have never been a healthy eater. I have always eaten what tastes good and on no kind of schedule. This healthy eating is brand new to me. It's a brand new challenge I am taking on and I'm excited to see where it takes me.
I'm trying new foods and recipes daily. It's a wonderful thing to eat healthy and still enjoy the food I am eating. I have always equated healthy eating with food that tastes lousy or bland. Last night we had brown rice with a new chicken dish I tried. It was delicious. It is something I plan on continuing.
I couldn't sleep last night so I got up and binge ate. It is a pattern and a cycle in me. I acknowledge it and let it go. Today is a new day and my eating is back on track. I worked out and it felt extra good to get rid of some of those calories. One of the extra bonuses is that I indulged my cravings and now they are gone.