Sunday, January 25, 2009

From Breadwinner to Housewife ~A Journey

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I have been here for 5 months now. I have had 5 months to clear the cobwebs and become a new person.
This chapter of my life has been interesting so far. I have gone from breadwinner to housewife and it seems I have lost a huge part of my identity in the process.

Unsure of what role it is I am playing, I have been wandering around aimlessly and reinventing myself once again. This journey is not new. I have played many roles in my life. Daughter, Granddaughter, Lover, Wife, Mother, Manager, Sister, Friend. It is an interesting process called living.

I never imagined grief would make me feel so old. I never realized grief strips away a huge part of your soul and leaves such a huge empty hole in you to fill.

I also never knew that in the course of a long term relationship the roles change and become interchangeable. I thought I was sure of who I was when I was in my 20's. Then that was laughable when I turned 30 and it all changed again. Now in my 40's I am becoming a new person for the millionth time. Is this what life is? The ever changing roles of a woman or man? Do you ever get to find out who it is you are? Do you ever get to realize the fullness of yourself and just accept who you are?

I suppose some people are aware of who they are and it never changes for them. I feel fortunate to have had many opportunities to change the person I am. I feel lucky to have this fresh start in my life and the possibilities are
endless for me at this time.

All time is now. Past, Present and Future. It all is making so much sense to me. I have lived a few lives I'm sure. But I am not an old soul yet. I believe I have many more journeys in this life and after this life. I am too new at this. I have always had a wandering soul. A spirit that is searching for fulfillment. I am never
content with myself exactly as I am. It is a burden sometimes, but I can also see it as a blessing if I allow myself that luxury.

Tomorrow Tee has a job interview. I feel pretty confident she will get it. This will leave me with some actual hours to fill each day where I am alone. I have many things to occupy my time. This house is large, the upkeep is not minimal. I have come full circle. I have not been a meal planner for many years. I have not cooked for many years. That is my job now. I am enjoying it.

I find it curious that I have come full circle about 13 years later. I do not have small children to care for any longer but I do have a partner and animals to nurture and love. I do not feel as needed as I once did but there
is a great freedom in that.

Each day is a new page. A blank slate. It is up to me to write the words that are there.
I am doing it.
I am living.
I am grateful.

16 comments:

Doug said...

Change is constant, but sometimes we don't notice it until it bites us on the ass.

We all need to be thankful, even if it's just being thankful to experience the change, to feel what it's like becoming a new person.

I am enjoying the new things in my life.

Xanadu said...

Ditto what Doug said. Change is constant, and that's a good thing. otherwise we become stagnant with who we are. Life is always about appreciating, changing, growing, learning, living. I think you've found who you are, just by reading what you wrote in this entry. Keep the book open, though, always ready to turn the page. Hugs.

Xanadu said...

PS: LOVE that picture at the top of this entry. Like a watercolor. Pretty! Hugs.

greeneyes67 said...

Doug: You are so right. No matter what the experience it is a good thing to be grateful.. I'm glad you are enjoying your new world.

Xanadu: Thanks, I am keeping that page open for sure.

Dorrie said...

you change, but the ones around you also change. I hope T manages to get that job... it'll be good for her, too, to get out and about.
I liked the positive sound of this post! {hugs}

greeneyes67 said...

Thanks Dorrie. I was just thinking, and watching the sun go down.

Lunamor said...

Wow. You just sound so well adjusted :) Way to go, you!

Pastor Larry said...

Amen to all of the above.

Fijufic said...

So Greenie what are your plans now?

What do you want?

There is still PLENTY left for you to do.

Love,
Bobby

Soiled Dove said...

I can so relate to this post, GE. We never can stop evolving but we can learn to embrace it.

Maggsworld said...

I believe we are a multitude and we channel whichever is right. Everything changes many times over as you know. You are doing well in this journey called life. Maggs

TuesdayPillow said...

I really DO hope that our roles in life are ever-changing. Even though some change likes to bite me hard in the ass, most of the time I am good at riding it out and seeing the good (and what's not good, and trying to fix it lest something else change again)!
So what's for dinner, homemaker?

SunTiger said...

Like SoiledDove said: so relate to this post. :D

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