Monday, June 25, 2012
I miss blogging. I miss the personal touches of the entries and the way that I could express myself and not be afraid of what I was saying. I miss the times when I felt like the internet was a safe haven and nobody could find me because I wasn't my name, I was just greeneyes. I miss those days. The innocence of blogging is gone for me. I feel censored. I feel watched and sometimes stalked. I feel monitored. I feel like I can't be open because it will all come out and my heart will bleed all over the pages and even though I'm happy I do have moments of insanity and sadness and I can't express them with words anymore because they aren't just mine. I have committed to this life and this love and I have been more open than I ever have with my partner but I am still feeling this need to have something that is just mine. That I don't have to share with her, that I can have that trust back that I betrayed with my reckless actions. I don't know that it will ever be that way again. Sometimes I feel like a failure, sometimes I wonder why I am even here. It is a frustrating and relentless worry and fear and it is not with me all of the time but it creeps in and takes over and then it is LOUD! I suppose I will just take it one day at a time and pray that it passes so the light can overtake me once again and the darkness can fade instead of being expressed.
Posted by greeneyes67 at 9:32 PM