There is definitely something in the air. The air smells different. Even in the house the air smells different. It’s not an entirely new smell; it’s a scent that is somewhat familiar. I had chest pains tonight and not from the aching and longing of missing somebody, it was anxiety. My old friend anxiety is back in full force. I remember feeling this way last year at this time and I blamed it on so many other things. I blamed it on quitting smoking, on the chaos I created in my personal relationships, on the lack of working and money. I blamed it on many things but it wasn’t any of those things, it was me. I have this issue every winter.
I miss the sun but it hasn’t really gone anywhere. It is sunny and warm in Arizona most of the time. I don’t understand how I can be affected by seasons that are non-existent. If I had never seen a calendar, never learned about the separation of months and seasons, would any of this be affecting me? Would I still be in the blissful state of peace I have had for the past 8 months? I am not a Saint; I medicated myself last winter with substances and people. It worked for awhile and then in the blink of an eye it stopped working. I remember the exact moment it stopped working, as is always the case with me. I remember every detail and every feeling. I know exactly what happened and I knew then exactly what I needed to do, so I did it. Now, I’m feeling this unease again and I am fighting it with all that I have but it’s not working.
Scents are so strong to me right now. I feel like I am on sensory overload. My sense of smell is strong and my sight is blurred. I am having issues with my eyes that need to be addressed, and they will be soon enough. But the issues of the mind, those I’m not sure I want to be rid of so quickly. If I could tap into them somehow I know I could be creative with them, like I was last winter. I wrote so much and felt so inspired and I want to feel that again. Maybe subconsciously I know this that is why these feelings are being brought to the forefront once again. All I know is to write it out and try and be in the moment, smell the scents that are surrounding me and just BE.