Thursday, January 26, 2012

I Recognize That Scent

There is definitely something in the air. The air smells different. Even in the house the air smells different. It’s not an entirely new smell; it’s a scent that is somewhat familiar. I had chest pains tonight and not from the aching and longing of missing somebody, it was anxiety. My old friend anxiety is back in full force. I remember feeling this way last year at this time and I blamed it on so many other things. I blamed it on quitting smoking, on the chaos I created in my personal relationships, on the lack of working and money. I blamed it on many things but it wasn’t any of those things, it was me. I have this issue every winter.

I miss the sun but it hasn’t really gone anywhere. It is sunny and warm in Arizona most of the time. I don’t understand how I can be affected by seasons that are non-existent. If I had never seen a calendar, never learned about the separation of months and seasons, would any of this be affecting me? Would I still be in the blissful state of peace I have had for the past 8 months? I am not a Saint; I medicated myself last winter with substances and people. It worked for awhile and then in the blink of an eye it stopped working. I remember the exact moment it stopped working, as is always the case with me. I remember every detail and every feeling. I know exactly what happened and I knew then exactly what I needed to do, so I did it. Now, I’m feeling this unease again and I am fighting it with all that I have but it’s not working.

Scents are so strong to me right now. I feel like I am on sensory overload. My sense of smell is strong and my sight is blurred. I am having issues with my eyes that need to be addressed, and they will be soon enough. But the issues of the mind, those I’m not sure I want to be rid of so quickly. If I could tap into them somehow I know I could be creative with them, like I was last winter. I wrote so much and felt so inspired and I want to feel that again. Maybe subconsciously I know this that is why these feelings are being brought to the forefront once again. All I know is to write it out and try and be in the moment, smell the scents that are surrounding me and just BE.

2 comments:

Dorrie said...

don't work too much... burn-out is not fun!

And if YOUR winter affects you, then you could never survive in MY world! lol {{{hugs}}}

maggsworld said...

Bobby suffers badly from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) too... manifests as depression, heaviness and anxiety. Just know, this too shall pass. It is, what it is, my friend. )))hugs(((((