Friday, May 20, 2011

Jar of Hearts

When I imagine the lonely nights and see the despair on her face as she sits in front of the computer screen waiting for the message that never comes, it breaks my heart. When I see how she must have felt when she opened that letter, the one telling her it was over and would never be again, it fills me with despair.

Another day has gone by and the doldrums of life are hitting. The car broke down – got fixed. Money troubles are a reality and we continue to amaze and excite one another. Boredom and reality ensue. The tick tick of my watch beats loudly in my ear. My hair has been cut and colored. A million stories play out in my mind. Food is cooked, eaten and dishes are done. Life moves forward.

I still think of her sitting and wondering why I ended it this way. I still can’t get her out of my head. I hate that I have hurt her and I hate the destruction I have caused by my own careless actions and words. She did not cause me to do the things I did. I went willingly into the night, into her car, out onto the sand. I allowed her mouth to kiss me and to make me breathless and I allowed myself to forget the passion I had at home. I told myself I could move on and let these things happen and I wish now that I hadn’t done that. I have many regrets. I have regrets that I didn’t know I was capable of having. I have allowed someone to live in my minds eye and to fill my heart with their words and their love. I have loved whole heartedly and I have lost just as much.

4 comments:

Dani said...

Can it be repaired if that is what you want, or are you on a new journey?

maggsworld said...

This introspection is important and cathartic

greeneyes67 said...

I don't know if it's the old relationship being repaired or a new one beginning but it just feels right.

becomingkate said...

Whatever happens, I hope it brings you a lot of peace. Nice to see you writing again!