I'm a bad blogger lately. I've been really busy and it doesn't involve work really, I've been busy being present in the moment.
Sometimes for me the internet is a big escape from real life. I'm sure I've talked about that before. Getting caught up in all the socializing, reading and commenting can take me away from what's really important. I have been spending a lot of time with Tee, engaging in conversation and enjoying the time together.
I think all the problems we have had have been a culmination of many things. My escaping has not helped.
I learned to escape when I was a child in an alcoholic environment. I started reading and writing as a form of escape and it is as natural to me as breathing. I go into my own world and nobody else exists. In fact my sister refers to me as the bookworm and always did when we were kids. She remembers me in the corner with my nose in a book. That was me. That is still me.
I also did this with work. It was my escape from the problems in my relationship(s).
I don't have a job right now so the computer suffices. I will spend as many as 10 hours online with breaks for cooking and cleaning the kitchen and hygiene. Before I get on the computer I will do my daily workouts of course. Once in awhile I'll glance up at the television but not too often while I am on my laptop.
I think this is a problem for me. I go to my meetings twice a week and of course I'll go grocery shopping and do any errands that need to be done but that amounts to a handful of hours during the week.
As with anything I need to "use" in moderation. I am trying to cut back my online time and engage in real life activities as one of my goals this year. I have started this week. I'm not perfect and I don't expect to be but I have been able to scale back a lot this week.
Of course I don't know much about balance. I tend to go to extremes. Turning off the computer for days and not even checking my emails! This is not good for me either, there are friendships I need to nurture and relationships that are important to me and my future. I am just trying to find a happy balance.
I don't know what this looks like but I think it will come down to some kind of schedule where I am blogging and reading blogs and commenting for X amount of hours or minutes daily and scheduling the rest of my day accordingly.
So for awhile I will be trying to bring this all into some kind of balance. I can report happily that T. and I are talking a lot more and things are great between us right now. I know we have a lot of making up to do because we have been distant from each other for awhile now. We have some issues that may never go away but we have some good things between us too.
She was very hurt by my constant complaining and writing about her problems. I will not be doing that anymore. My problems are big enough and I don't need to be focusing so much on her mistakes and issues. I never wrote with the intent of hurting her but it did hurt her. She is happy that most of those entries were lost in cyberspace. I'm sad about it but think the universe balances things in our lives in ways we may never understand. I just accept it.
If I never learn from my mistakes I will not become a different person and 2009 will be a year of major growth for me. I live with someone that I love very much. I am in it for the long haul. I am not perfect and neither is she. Life gets the best of us sometimes. But I believe our love will just get stronger the more we stick it out.
I'm just trying to put it into words. All these things that are on my mind. I am searching for balance in all areas of my life. I will still be around. I love reading all of you and keeping in touch. I just have to stay in touch with the people in my life I can really touch physically too.
Love and Blessings to all of you.