Sunday, May 22, 2011

Take This From Me

My mind has never stopped being obsessive. I can try and do other things to stay occupied and yet when I get a free moment, the obsession comes back. I try and pretend it's not there but it's there. I try and move through it and under and around it but the obsession has a life of its own. When did I start confusing love and obsession? When did I start thinking that what I am feeling is true love when it it is really a thick and juicy obsession that will not stop knocking on my door?

I am awake and have been working on dumping some of these thoughts from my mind. I write at 750 words to clear my head and yet the thoughts still haunt me. I drink my coffee and contemplate all the many things I have to do and yet I have a feeling it will be another morning of distracting my mind to distance myself from these racing thoughts. I wonder if I need something to help my mind stop racing. I wonder if I need something to calm me down.

Our passion is addictive. I think of nothing else but the way she undresses me and looks at my body with such admiration, and tells me it is perfection. I remember the passion I brought out in her and it makes me tingle. I remember and remember and want to stay there so the other thoughts don't crowd and push their way to the front of my consciousness but there they are. Again. And it is driving me mad.

I want to run and keep running until my legs feel like jello and the only thing in my mind is the pain of my muscles and the breathing I am trying to do. I want to cover myself, head to toe in cocoa butter and lay out by the pool and let the sun fill me with his power and his warmth and take these obsessions far from me so that they disappear into the suns rays and float off into the horizon, never to be seen again. (perhaps I will try with the sun and run).


Dorrie said...

I was once obsessed with a guy... it was before I left my husband. He was always in my thoughts, always. He was an alcoholic, a diabetic ... and a jerk. But I ignored it all, couldn't think straight, I was too obsessed. He was the opposite of my ex in so many ways and that's what drew me to him.

One day I woke up and finally, through meeting someone else, managed to stop the obsession. But I never forgot him. In the mean time, his excesses have killed him. Short before that, I managed to see him one more time and he wasn't the same guy I had once known (and loved, or at least that's the way it seemed to me.

Sorry for the long comment, but I wanted you to know that I relate.... {hugs}

greeneyes67 said...

Obsession wears me out and colors my days. I know you understand Dorrie. I'm glad for friends like you. Lots of love. XO

Dani said...

Obsession for me is like a bad habit that I can't kick. Your body, mind and sould want to stay in a place where it is safe.

I can relate on different terms *hugs*

greeneyes67 said...

Obsession is like a bad habit to me too Dani and it is like one that will not let me go.

Sunny said...

I was obsessed with a former boyfriend in Miami Beach and when he tried to kill me ( he was drugged/drunked up) I quickly became un-attached from him.

greeneyes67 said...

That's horrible Sunny! My obsessions vary. I always have something or someone I'm obsessed with though. Endorphins help kill it. I'm going to work out now. Ha!