Can't Help Falling in Love

The thing is, I was kinda ok until I saw those eyes. I was sorta ok until I wasn't.

Ghosts

I've had ghosts around me for awhile now. We watched "What Lies Beneath" the other night, and the woman in the movie is seeing the ghost of someone she doesn't know. When she starts researching, she discovers that the woman is a younger student with whom her husband was having an affair. It's a great thriller, but I kind of feel like the woman in the movie. "Claire", played by Michelle Pfeiffer is very anxious, and I have a lot of anxiety this month, so far anyway. Yesterday I started watching VHS tapes of my Mom and my kids when they were little. It broke my heart and made me feel very hopeless. I have depression. When it hits me it feels like I am the worst person in the world. I can't do anything right and I feel very much like I want to run. I would run, but I don't have the energy to run. I feel very lost and alone and undeserving of love. Work keeps me sane, but if I'm not working I have other vices. One of my vices used to be sex. I pretty much have my TV binge watching and exercise now. I also smoke like a fiend and eat far too many sweets but hey, that's me. I can pull myself out of depressions if I focus. Depression takes my focus away. Yesterday I could not stop thinking about my nephew who died in November 1, 1991 and also my Mom that died. There are so many people that take their families for granted, that don't spend time with their kids or grandkids, don't keep in contact and actually care about their lives. My Mom was not one of those grandmas. She was the best. She loved my kids more than life and it is just wrong that she was taken from them at such young ages, and taken from me. I was watching a video from when I was 23 and drinking heavily. I was drinking every day and geting drunk every single day until I passed out. I was mourning the loss of a friend of mine, who was killed in a freak accident. I was consumed with drinking, every minute and it wasn't pretty. I was young and attractive and also married with two small children under the age of 5. I was strange watching that video and seeing myself at that age, and also very familiar. My Mom and I were very much in synch, if I walked by her and we brushed against each other, it was just as comfortable as breathing. We would smile, or nod and agree with something. I needed my Mom and she needed me. I also loved her and counted on her when I didn't want to take responsibility because I had jumped into marriage and children so young. I get really sad, deep down in my heart sad for the loss of my Mom. I miss her more than I can even express, and she has been gone for 17 years this month. It seems like yesterday but then again it seems like a hundred years ago. Grief makes time get all mixed up. I watched that video and then was depressed the rest of the day. I couldn't stop thinking about my loss and my kids loss and the only way I could let it go was to escape into something else. I've always been an escape artist. Like writing here for example. I'm thinking that dumping some of this stuff will help me to make healthier choices. Maybe the sadness won't overtake me for so long, or maybe I will have to feel that pain for a little while. I am praying and meditating and listening to my body. I am taking it day by day and working and moving forward. But my head takes me to some very dark places and I don't like what I'm seeing or hearing. I never thought I could feel that way again.

Changes

It's been almost 2 months since I have written here and I'm still whining in my head about writer's block. I am wanting to write the Great American Novel when really I should be focusing on just writing. Let's just start with something small shall we? I wrote for an hour tonight and it helped. I am committing myself to do this daily. Listening to music and turning off the TV helps me release a little bit of stress by getting it down on paper (or in my case on the computer). I used to be a daily blogger, maybe that is somewhere to begin again. I am not sure but here I am. I want to write. I believe I have much to say. Here are a few things going on in my life currently: I am working at an incredibly physical job in extremely hot temperatures and I both love and hate what I am doing. I am still madly in love with my partner of 16 years and we are working on our communication with each other. Our beloved dachshund, Xena, had a spinal issue that paralyzed her for awhile and it was so scary to realize she is really getting old. She is 12. I celebrated my 45th birthday with my family, both children and their spouses travelling to be with us and it was one of the best birthdays I have ever had. I am struggling with some mild depressive episodes and wondering what to do about that. My physical health is good but I do have many body aches, especially in my back and legs due to the strenuous work I am performing 5 days a week. So, all in all life is... life. It goes on, changes take place, losses become less painful and are replaced with miracles and blessings and the world keeps turning. In the meantime I am reading articles about overcoming writer's block and hoping I can stay on a steady roll of writing since this is what I most want to be doing with my life and talent.

The Past

Today an old friend of Tee's came into town and we've spent the afternoon talking and revisiting some things. Mostly the death of Trina's Mom and all that has happened with her family in the past years. It's been bittersweet. It's sweet because I have such a love for Tee that I want her to connect with her past. It's been hard for her to trust and be social and I love meeting her friends and seeing her be social again. Bitter because it's bringing up a bit of grief that I haven't felt in awhile and I realized I miss Tee's Mom and haven't allowed myself to feel that. We watched some old video tapes and just hearing her voice made me cry. Crying is a good release. It's ok to miss our loved ones that have passed away, it's just not good to stay there too long. I don't want to give into the misery that can consume me and so I won't. They are gone to a meeting and I am home alone with the fur babies and life is so sweet and good. Tonight we will eat homemade tamales and chips with salsa and talk some more. Tee's friend told me that I am one of the sweetest people she has ever met and that she is so happy that Tee has found the love she deserves. That made my heart swell. I am truly lucky and happy to be living this life. I miss the kids and hope they come up for my birthday. They have been talking about it and I got the time off from work so it would be amazing to have my family all here under one roof again. I'm realizing how important it is to make those memories and spend those times together, you never know how much time you have.