Obsessive

I Recognize That Scent

2012-01-26T19:19:00.001-08:00

There is definitely something in the air. The air smells different. Even in the house the air smells different. It’s not an entirely new smell; it’s a scent that is somewhat familiar. I had chest pains tonight and not from the aching and longing of missing somebody, it was anxiety. My old friend anxiety is back in full force. I remember feeling this way last year at this time and I blamed it on so many other things. I blamed it on quitting smoking, on the chaos I created in my personal relationships, on the lack of working and money. I blamed it on many things but it wasn’t any of those things, it was me. I have this issue every winter.

I miss the sun but it hasn’t really gone anywhere. It is sunny and warm in Arizona most of the time. I don’t understand how I can be affected by seasons that are non-existent. If I had never seen a calendar, never learned about the separation of months and seasons, would any of this be affecting me? Would I still be in the blissful state of peace I have had for the past 8 months? I am not a Saint; I medicated myself last winter with substances and people. It worked for awhile and then in the blink of an eye it stopped working. I remember the exact moment it stopped working, as is always the case with me. I remember every detail and every feeling. I know exactly what happened and I knew then exactly what I needed to do, so I did it. Now, I’m feeling this unease again and I am fighting it with all that I have but it’s not working.

Scents are so strong to me right now. I feel like I am on sensory overload. My sense of smell is strong and my sight is blurred. I am having issues with my eyes that need to be addressed, and they will be soon enough. But the issues of the mind, those I’m not sure I want to be rid of so quickly. If I could tap into them somehow I know I could be creative with them, like I was last winter. I wrote so much and felt so inspired and I want to feel that again. Maybe subconsciously I know this that is why these feelings are being brought to the forefront once again. All I know is to write it out and try and be in the moment, smell the scents that are surrounding me and just BE.

Passionate Inspiration

2012-01-11T13:09:00.000-08:00

She told me that morning, as we drank our coffee, that she believed I was in love with the remembrance of our passionate nights more than the passionate encounter themselves. I took offense to the comment then but in retrospect I believe there was a bit of truth in this statement. Virginia Woolf once said: about past emotions that ‎"I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realises an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past."

We are insanely sexual people. We still have wild nights and days that leave us breathless and grateful that we are so attracted to each other. We still create scenarios and anticipation and that is, I believe what keeps us so wildly fervent for each other. I do also realize that chemistry is important when it comes to sexual attraction and that chemistry has not faded, in fact it has grown, after almost 16 years.

It is the afterglow that I thrive in. It is the rumpled sheets and the clothes strewn all over the room that cause me to remember and expand upon in my minds eye. I look at these things and it brings back pictures in my mind of the night before. I love to lie in her arms and let my mind drift back to the night before, candles lit and music playing, the cat and mouse games that we play and it is only then that I have the complete emotions about the event. I am swept away the next day when we are cleaning up and living our lives, taken back to the night before when the world stopped and all that mattered was that moment and the breathtaking touches and strokes carried me to new heights of excitement.

The feelings about those moments grow and become more real in the days following, even more real than when I am experiencing them. It is true of most events in life I think. It is true that when I am experiencing something, whether it be sex or the death of someone close to me that the re-living and re-telling of the event makes it even more real and I do think sometimes that is why I retreat into myself and can’t even speak of it. I want to keep it to myself and not let those emotions become “too real”. I don’t want to take away the magic by sharing it or I don’t want to believe it really happened.

And so today, I have mundane tasks to finish and lemons to pick off of the lemon tree. The scent of lemon will overtake the scent of sex that lingers on my hands and that will be a little sad for a moment. I am the kind of person that likes to leave that scent on me so I can re-live the night before. I don’t want those memories to be left behind, even though, as Virginia Woolf so beautifully stated: “we only have complete emotions about the past”, even if the past was only 12 hours ago.

Anniversaries

2012-01-10T08:23:00.000-08:00

I wonder who came up with the idea of celebrating or remembering anniversaries? Those significant dates that make a mark on your heart and cause your body to react when they approach. I know that we have many anniversary dates marking the deaths of loved ones and that when they start getting close, our bodies react. I will be moving along, working and doing life and then I get sad. When I look at the calendar I realize, another anniversary is near and that is why I am feeling this impending doom and gloom approaching.

Today marks 5 years since Trina's Mom passed away. It was one of the most horrible times of our lives together and I can't even bring myself to think of the details. But the dead do not want us to forget them, they love when we remember them. I loved her, she was an angel to me when my own Mom passed away. We would talk for hours on the phone and she would pray with me to get me to stop the hysterical crying that accompanied my grief over losing my Mom. She was the only one that could make me feel better when that happened. I miss her. I miss her presence but I can still feel her. Especially this year.

So today, I will work on a few things I need to get done and then, when I can I will remember her life and love.

Wednesday is my new Sunday

2012-01-04T17:19:00.000-08:00

We spent the day together and it was lovely. We sorted laundry and took our bi-weekly trip to the laundry mat to wash the clothes, then lugged them home and began drying them. It doesn't sound like much, but when you don't get to spend much time together, every moment counts. We always browse the classifieds while we are waiting for the clothes to be washed. We look at the prices on washers, discuss getting a new one as well as a new stove and furniture. Then we may talk about articles in magazines, what to eat for dinner, and how we are feeling. It doesn't take long until the clothes are finished washing and then we either pick up something for lunch or come home and fix it together. These little things mean a lot to me now. I used to pride myself on not needing to have my partner with me every moment of every day, now I cherish the closeness.

After eating, we hopped back in bed to snuggle and watch "The Crucible" which made us both cry. What a great movie. I read the book years ago, and saw the play, but the movie was fantastic. I loved Daniel Day Lewis and thought he played John Proctor very well. I dozed off a few times but not for long.

I want to post some pictures that I didn't get around to posting from our holidays. I really enjoyed our Christmas but am looking forward to the next holiday which is my favorite, Valentines Day. And then of course it is our 16th anniversary together and that deserves a major celebration.

Christmas morning. We opened our presents and then had a lovely breakfast together. It was so nice to be appreciative of each moment we had that morning. We have spent more than enough of our time rushing through things. Not anymore.

Trina and Katie. I love this shot of them.

Christmas chaos. Shanda threatened me with bodily harm if I posted this on facebook. She is pretty self conscious about photos of herself. I think she is beautiful.

Trina and Shanda. Trina is trying to get her helicopter off the ground. They finally went outside to play with it. It was a lot of fun to watch and take pictures :) I love my family.
It was a great holiday season. New Years was quiet, we were probably asleep by 12:15 but we were both exhausted from work. I'm so happy to be starting a new year and making new memories. Life is Beautiful.

Reflections

2011-12-31T19:04:00.000-08:00

I have been reflecting on the past year and all that took place. I have to say this year has been another year of growth and change. It seems that every year is filled with changes but some are more extreme than others. The past five years especially have been life altering. It all started in January of 2007 when Trina’s Mom passed away. Things went downhill fast in the midst of our grief and the cracks in our relationship grew wider as the grief consumed us both. When you fall into survival mode, you fail to nurture the relationships in your life that are the most important. We both became lazy in some ways and diligent in others. Not only did we lose Donna but that year we lost Grandma and then in 2008, my Dad. Two job losses and one large inheritance of an estate that was in a foreign city and our heads were spinning by 2009. Change is inevitable, but sometimes the changes are so sudden and tremendous that you can’t even remember who you are.

Sometimes you start rebuilding right away and sometimes it takes awhile to clear the cobwebs and truly start becoming the new person that is necessary when you suffer so many losses. You are never the same, that much is clear, but you still bring with you so many of the qualities that are embedded deep in your spirit. The core of me has not changed, it has been strengthened. I have also acquired many traits I never thought I would possess.

I have learned to be more patient with myself and others. I have learned to accept forgiveness from my loved ones and to try and forgive myself. I have learned to look at my own actions and to choose a different course of action in the name of compromise. I have learned that I can still change myself and that it’s ok to let go. I have learned to speak honestly and compassionately and to listen without judgment. I have learned that people are never all that you think them to be and that it’s ok to love them, even when they hurt you. I have learned that I am a generous person but that I can also be greedy. I have learned that I am strong but I can also be weak. I have learned that I need to ask for help when I need it and that I don’t have to do everything alone.

I have been rewarded beyond my wildest dreams in this year and it has come about because I changed my thinking. One little phrase that I hear a lot on the internet and in circles is “fuck my life”. I changed that to “I Love My Life” and it came to be fact rather quickly. We have taken ourselves out of the cycle of poverty that we thought was our destiny and it had much to do with our attitudes. I am grateful for all the losses we experienced; it made us who we are. I am grateful that I am in love with the most patient person in the world and with someone who sees me as I really am, even when I can’t see that clearly.

This independent woman has become a little more dependent and even though that sounds opposite of what I have been saying, it is a positive thing for me to be able to do that. I have learned that it takes two to make a relationship work and that it’s not the best thing to “live your own lives” and I don’t want to keep secrets ever again. I have “unlearned” some lessons taught to me at a young age and I’m grateful that I have the strength and the will to do that.

I am entering into this New Year with a much more clearer vision of who I am and what I want and need. Transformation is possible, all the time.

One More Week

2011-12-26T19:52:00.000-08:00

Another week of 2011 and a new year begins. I love New Years Day. I think I love it more than Christmas. It's a fresh start, a time to start over and to take stock of the past year. I am especially looking forward to this new year, looking forward to leaving some things behind.

I made some serious mistakes in 2011, I have many regrets. I wish I could take it all back and pretend it didn't happen but I cannot. I have faced many demons in this year and I have grown tremendously. I don't think I would trade it because it has definitely strengthened my character and woke me up from the haze of grief and studies that was consuming me. I can't say that I wouldn't trade it though, because I hurt some people and I can't take that back. I can't change the fact that I hurt people with my reckless actions.

I am watching my young cat go through her natural cycle of "being in heat" and thinking that she must be extremely uncomfortable to be so restless and angry and vocal. I can think back to last winter and it is pretty much how I was feeling. I was searching for something more and what I discovered was that I didn't need anything more than what I already had.

You can't change people, ever. It has to come from an organic place inside of them and they have to make that decision. I have witnessed this amazing transformation in myself and several people that are close to me. I have graduated Community College and started working again for the first time since 2008. Much of my restless spirit and soul were also tied up in the fact that I felt pretty worthless because I was not earning any money. I am the kind of person that needs to be paying my own way. I don't seem to do well allowing others to carry more of the financial load. It's just in the core of me.

I never dreamed, that this year would be such a year of growth for me. Oh, I realized I was changing back in December of 2010 but I didn't think I would evolve as much as I have. I still continue to surprise myself and that has been the best gift of all. We had an amazing Christmas and the best gift I received was that our love is stronger than ever and that I am forgiven. Completely and wholly forgiven for the wrongs I have committed. I am grateful and happy and free.

December

2011-12-12T20:29:00.000-08:00

So many things to be happy about in December.
So many people to remember that have passed on in December.

We had our precious male cat Pan put down last week, he was sick for a long time. Last week he took a turn for the worse and it was so horrifying watching him go downhill. I saw it clearly but Trina could not. It was really hard to convince her that he was ready to go. He was letting us know in a lot of ways. It was awful. We buried him together by the palm tree near the pool, right by Pyra. Now we are down to One bratty little girl kitty that we completely adore and Xena. My Xena who is my shadow that I couldn't imagine letting go of. That's how Trina felt about Pan. We still cry each day for him.

Today would have been my Dad's 78 birthday. I'm thinking of him too and missing him. I can't let myself completely go there because it consumes me. The anniversary of Trina's Grandma's death was last Wednesday. FOUR years! I can't even believe it's been that long. It's insane how fast the time has flown. I miss her too.

The girls are coming up this weekend! That is where my heart is. I am so excited to see them. I miss my daughter terribly and it will be a great weekend. My boss even gave me Saturday off. I can't wait to have them here.

I have a wonderful friend coming for New Years and I can't wait to meet her in person. It's going to be an amazing and wonderful New Years Celebration. We are so incredibly blessed.

The sky was covered with clouds today and it looked like it might snow. Of course it didn't, but it has been raining for awhile. I'm feeling mixed emotions as I sit and write and think of this past year. So many changes, so much to be grateful for, so much... What a year this has been. OH, my son called me last week after Pan died and I haven't talked to him since last February, it was wonderful to talk to him. I miss him too.

I have the next two days off and will be making lots of goodies and spending time getting ready for our Christmas celebration this weekend! I can't wait to get in the kitchen and cook and be domestic :) It's going to be a wonderful Christmas this year. Last year I was a completely different person. I have changed. I am more honest and more real than I have ever been. I feel very proud of myself for many things. I made mistakes and grew from them. I hurt people and let people go and forgave people this year. I guess what happened was I lived my life fully. That's a good thing.

November Rain 2 ~2011

2011-11-29T20:13:00.001-08:00

I am isolating, hibernating, possibly enjoying my last weeks as a student and part-time employee. I am wondering what it is going to feel like to be back in the working world again. So much of my identity was tied up in my job and money for so long and now it’s about to shift into that once again. I am going to miss the classes. I am excited to have finished my Associates but here I am and I’m not going to be a student for 8 months. What is it going to be like? Why do I have so much sadness and anxiety over this all of a sudden? I was so excited and sure that this was a good thing and now I’m not so sure. I wish I didn’t have these feelings but I do.

I have turned off my phone and am not making any contact with anyone right now. I just don’t want to deal. Today we went back to bed and watched a movie and I slept more, then I did more schoolwork as she went to work and I’m just having all these feelings. I will be done with school, possibly by this time next week. That is just sad. And I never expected to feel this way. It’s winter. We have not put up one tiny Christmas decoration in this house. I don’t have the desire at all. I don’t know, it’s confusing.

Distracted

2011-11-25T17:19:00.000-08:00

So much is distracting me tonight.
I'm trying to finish up my research paper for Geology and the words just won't come. I wrote some for English Lit and that was easy, writing about the effects of coal burning and coal mining is not so inspirational.

Today is my son's 22nd birthday and I miss him tremendously. That, coupled with the fact that my Aunt is up to her antics have my mind reeling. Also, I've had too much caffeine and not enough of something... I called my second boss to give my two weeks notice and he has not returned my call. I may have to give him the notice in writing since he seems to be avoiding human contact.

I start full time at Avis on the 15th and I'm spinning about that too. Things are changing quickly but I'm happy. We had the best Thanksgiving, wish the kids had been here though. I miss them. I'm listening to the dryer, toss the laundry in her belly and waiting for inspiration to strike. It sucks.

November Rain 2011

2011-11-07T19:57:00.001-08:00

When the month of November creeps up on me, the grief finds a way into my dreams. I have so much to be grateful for and so many things are good in this month but I have this nagging sadness on my shoulder that threatens to drag me under. I miss my Mom. I was looking at pictures, mostly of the trips and parties that my Mom threw for the kids and I realized how lucky they were to have her in their lives. They had so much that I never had. I never got to experience that kind of grandparent love and adoration.

My Mom adored me though, and I miss that. She knew so much about me and I never even had to explain myself to her.

I can't give into the sadness so I keep moving forward. I am still working a lot and finishing up my last semester. I can't wait to graduate and move on. I will definitely be getting some writing done once school is finished. I have many unfinished projects that need my winter attention. I think that I am a winter writer. I get so inspired when the moodiness hits me. The winter seems to do that to me.

I saw some friends that haven't seen me since last May and they told me I look amazing compared to how I looked last winter. It's good to know that the choices I have made agree with me and that I look as good as I feel. I am tired and fighting a mild depressed state but I do feel great physically, strong and healthy.

Another Two Weeks

2011-10-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

I seem to have let another two weeks slip through my fingers. It's insane how fast time is flying. It's been 4 months since I started working and although sometimes it seems like longer, mostly it seems like time is passing by faster than I can keep up. I am also finishing up my last semester at MCC and that makes me immensely happy. I am ready to move on from this school and start my University courses. I also need to focus on Alanon again since I've just let that slip through my fingers as well. I can't keep up with all that I need to do with the District.

Life is funny. We have a new car, my brother gave us a car. Now let me tell you it was a huge shock to us but a welcome gift. He has completely changed with sobriety. He was always my favorite sibling but he was kind of self centered. Now he's giving and loving and I am grateful. I am grateful for my family.

I thought I was going to have to put my beloved dog down but we have her with us for awhile longer. I cried for about 24 hours solid, worrying that we would have to make a horrible choice. But she is doing much better. Dachshunds get degenerative disc disease in their spine and she had a severe attack, but she is resting and being still and healing. I'm so grateful to have her for longer.

The weather is cooler, Halloween is on the way and life couldn't be more full. I love my life.

The Never Ending Week

2011-09-30T23:06:00.000-07:00

This has been the most insane week and I seem to be thriving in the busy-ness of it. I worked in Bullhead City yesterday and it was a true learning experience. I have been writing for my classes but not for fun. Our car blew up (the transmission) and we sold it today. My brother is giving us another one. It just fell into our laps literally. I believe in miracles.

I am grateful for my life. I get to see my daughter this weekend for the first time since February and our falling out. I can't wait to see her. I can't wait for so many things.

I wish I had the time to blog more but I truly don't. Life is just too busy.

Busy

2011-09-18T07:37:00.001-07:00

Work Work Work
School School School
then play...

So happy Football has started again. I'm grateful to be talking to my brother on a regular basis even though he is seriously struggling right now. I love my daughter and I'm helping her plan her wedding. We are going to have 3 weddings in the near future, possibly 4. Oh happy day :)

Life is beautiful and I'm grateful the weather is cooling.
I hope it stays awhile.

Muse

2011-09-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

I remember now.
It is a rainy day and it feels more like winter than the hot and humid days of summer that plague us here in Lake Havasu City. It's strange, it's evoking first a burst of energy and then sleep... and now I am awake and wanting to write again.

It wasn't what I thought it was at all. I have this dark part of me that is awake when the weather changes and it's ok. I can use it to express myself creatively instead of destructively. I choose to use this in a way that will help instead of destroy who I am and all that I have. I thought I wanted to crush my life and begin again and say goodbye to all I thought I wanted. I wanted to create something new and I realize I can still do that without destroying all that is good in my life. It's not all or nothing. There are shades of gray.

I can plug into the deep and pull out what I need and express it without shutting out the love that so engulfs me. I think I wanted to stifle that part of me that was so cherished and just forget that passionate part of me but it doesn't serve me well to do that. I need to be loved and to be loved wholly. I have that and I will fight to the death to save it.

Thunderstorm

2011-09-06T07:24:00.001-07:00

Sept. 6, 2011

Feelings are welling up in me and I’m not sure where it’s coming from. I woke up because of the thunder and my dog barking at the thunder. I started obsessing over some issues I have with procrastination. It’s anxiety, plain and simple. It’s interesting to me that when I study anxiety I get more anxious. When I took Abnormal Psych I saw a lot of symptoms in myself that I hadn’t seen previously. It makes me wonder about my mind and the way it operates.

I notice my anxiety and try not to give into it but it has a mind of its own. I think I am full of fears that need release. I can pretend they aren’t there but somehow they work their way to the surface no matter what I do. I have a great life and there is nothing wrong but my head works to create something to obsess over. I feel this unease and I’m not sure why except I am stressing over school, work, money and that seems to make me more vulnerable to the sleepless nights/mornings and the obsessions.

So, I’m back in school and it has triggered some emotions. It has made me start thinking and remembering last semester and re-living some of the things that happened that I’d much rather bury. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to feel any of this anymore. It’s not good for me and I am starting to wonder if I need to find a therapist to help me get through this. It’s eating away at my soul and I am starting to feel that old friend isolation again. I know what I need to do; it’s just a matter of making myself do it. I believe I have some dragons to slay.

I feel myself being haunted. I’m sure the rain is adding to this extreme sense of possession. I know I became someone else for awhile and I don’t want to become that person again. Maybe that was my alter ego taking over for a spell. Maybe I need to chop her head and hands off and let her bleed.

Exhaustion

2011-08-08T22:02:00.000-07:00

Exhaustion overwhelms me. It takes me awhile to recuperate from working in the extreme desert heat that is Lake Havasu City. I have never worked such physical jobs in my life and all I can say is, it's a damn good thing I was in shape for a good two years before I began. I could not have handled this back then. I'm kicking ass and taking names and proving myself to be just as good as the men that dominate this industry. Cars, automobiles, four wheels and a steering wheel dominate my working life. I love the challenge and have been doing a "phenomenal" job according to my boss who has already given me a raise. Yes, I know I am a hard worker. I don't give up. I keep on trying and rarely fail. That's just me.

But I can't fight the fatigue and dehydration that happens on a weekly basis to my body. I'm so tired for a good two days after my 30 hours of work. I take two hour naps in the day. I lay low and stay inside in the AC or outside in the pool. I wish I had more energy. I hate feeling so exhausted. Not sure what I can do about that and I'm praying it changes when the heat fades into the windy warm winters of Havasu. At least we don't have to deal with rain and snow. Yuck.

School begins in about two weeks. I have anxiety popping up and some strange apprehension. This is my last semester at Community College level. I'm very proud of my accomplishments but I am a little scared of moving forward. I'm excited at the same time. It's really weird, I can't seem to articulate exactly what I'm feeling regarding these changes. I am ready to move forward but don't really want to talk much about it. It's easier to bury myself in work and not think too much.

I started smoking again. Yes, the stress got to me and I started up. I'm smoking a LOT. It's amazing to me that it seems such a part of me again. It's a gross addiction but I'm not quitting until I'm ready and I don't want to be lectured about it. I'm a grown-ass woman and I can make my own choices. I will quit again, just not sure when. I am not ready.

My daughter just landed in New York. I am so happy that we are talking on a regular basis again. I can't wait to go to Phoenix to visit her and her partner, I miss them terribly. I have been talking with my sister too, we had a family crisis a few days back and it seems to have made us a united front once again. My siblings are really the only family I have and life is too short to just ignore each other and lose touch. I am trying to make an effort in any way I can once again with her. I do love and treasure my siblings. The crisis we had was over my youngest, alcoholic/addict brother. I don't know what will become of him but I will be calling him soon too. I wanted to give him a cooling off period before I attempted to reach out to him. We'll see what happens with that.

Life is beautiful on the home and love front. I am getting more love, attention and affection than I could ever need and it's beautiful. I am grateful that my life is so full today and that I'm not so isolated like I was earlier in the year. I don't spend nearly as much time on the computer as I used to and I'm glad. I was becoming much more reclusive than I ever wanted to be and it's not healthy for me to be out of touch with actual flesh and blood humans. I need that contact in my life to feel alive and well. It's too much time for me to be in my head otherwise.

Birthday 2011

2011-07-15T16:19:00.001-07:00

When I was young, before I turned about 10 years old or so, birthdays were a really big deal in my life. My Mommy made them a big deal by giving me huge parties, inviting lots of kids my age and also putting the news of my birthday celebration in the local newspaper. I have all the clippings from the paper and the invites she sent out, in my baby book. She took pictures and home movies and made me feel like princess for the day. Today I feel like a princess still on my birthday.

My daughter called me this morning. She called me yesterday too and I am so happy I could burst. It is the best present I have ever had to know that we have mended the issues that were between us and we are close again. I have missed her more than words can express and I never want to put anything in front of our relationship again. I have everything I could ever need.

I have an abundance of love in my life today. I have food in the cupboards and gas in the tank of the car. I have two jobs that are bringing me a good income and I have much to look forward to in my life. I feel beautiful and cherished and I am extraordinarily happy this year on my birthday. I am 44 years young today.

My dear, sweet Mom passed away when she was just 49 years old. As I approach that age myself I am reminded of just how young she was when she was taken from me. I miss her every day. I miss her especially on my birthday since her birthday was so close to mine on the 11th. We celebrated many birthdays together. I loved her more than life itself and I still do. But now I am also celebrating the love I have for my daughter and the love she has for me. I will cherish that love always.

Happy Birthday to me.

Chillin'

2011-07-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

I've got this really annoying Shania Twain song stuck in my head.
My Job is kicking my ass today.

I was swimming tonight with a dear friend of mine and the stars were kind of dim because the moon is almost full. I love the view from up there. Her house is so beautiful and the setting was so perfect it made me think of desert living and I have an idea of the next story I want to write or a scene anyway. I enjoy the uniqueness of living in the desert. The heat is searing, the nights in the swimming pool when the monsoon storms begin to blow in are pretty breathtaking.

I want to write but I am exhausted.
I may just have to put it off until tomorrow.

Summer Love

2011-07-06T14:59:00.000-07:00

I've been spending many hours in the water and sunshine on purpose in the pool. Many hours are being spent in the heat for my job and many hours are being spent under the fan because of the heat. It is humid as hell right now and I am not loving that. We were dog sitting for Izzy the wonder dog for a week and the thunder storms absolutely freaked her out. She ate my raft, T.'s reading glasses, candles, stuffed animals and whatever else she could get her mouth around. Sweet girl, it's a good thing I love her like I do and now T. loves her too. She's adorable.

Summer is my most favorite time of the year. I love swimming and tanning and birthdays, we both have birthdays this month and we celebrated the U.S.A.'s birthday on Monday. It's been a great month so far. I spent time with Izzy's mommy and it was really interesting. We were never really close in High School, even though we were in the same graduating class. We have so much in common and we talked a lot about those similarities. She has married her current husband twice and I am very curious about relationships that have survived affairs and how much stronger they can be the second time around. I think it can make your relationship much stronger when you get through something as devastating as an affair. The trust that is rebuilt can be much stronger than it ever was in the beginning. Love is a curious entity in a long term relationship. It amazes me that it can grow and change and become such an incredible force.

I registered for my last semester at Mohave Community College, I will be getting my degree(s) in December and I can't wait to start my University level courses. I am proud of myself for finishing this part of my education and can't wait to begin the next. Life is beautiful and I am full of summer love.

Stalking

2011-06-30T21:53:00.001-07:00

Tonight I noticed a man on a bicycle, circling the office that I clean every day. I vary my times there so it's not like I'm on a regular schedule but it's kind of creepy when you notice the same man on the bicycle a few nights in a week. I carry the trash out in a dark parking lot. Tonight I brought it home with me because it kind of spooked me that he was there. I have a vivid imagination, plus years of experience in the payday loan industry dealing with tons of cash has made me extremely cautious. I will call the police if he is there tomorrow but T. will be with me and something tells me she would scare him away. Ha!

I have never really been stalked but I think I have some stalking tendencies myself. I am an extremely jealous person and I'm not saying I'm proud of it but I do have some skill. My Mom taught me. She and I used to go on "watching" trips when I was young. I was influenced. Just two years ago I went stalking with my sister. She was looking for her lover's house, he wasn't home at the time. It was silly but still, I think with the internet available it makes it much to easy to keep tabs on someone. That's all I'm saying.

Lost in Life

2011-06-24T13:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days since I have written. I am busy busy and loving it. I am working every night just about cleaning doctor's offices and actually enjoying it. Tomorrow I start the second week as a rental agent with Avis. Wow. That's a hard job. I am overwhelmed with information but I like that. I want to be challenged on a regular basis. The biggest challenge for me is going to be working in the heat that has shot up past 110 degrees these past two days. That will be rough but I'm young and in great shape so I know I can do it.

I just got a call that my other employer needs someone to clean the V.A. building this weekend, oh hell yeah I'll do it. I need the money. It's great that I'm in demand. I've always been promoted quickly, I'm a hell of a worker and they are in short supply anymore. Have you worked with any of the "younger" set lately? They all feel like you should give them everything for nothing. I taught my kids a good work ethic and they have been successful. Jesus, half the battle is just showing up on time and ready to actually work. I've seen people ask when their break is as soon as they get to work. Really???? Get a grip.

I have been relaxing and enjoying the quiet this morning, decided to give my body a rest from the heat of the sun and the physical exercise. I am getting so much exercise at my jobs that I'm dropping weight already. It's amazing. I am on my feet a whole lot more. YAY for pounds and inches dropped. Pretty happy about that.

No word from my kids, I'm starting to give up hope. I don't think they'll ever talk to me again and I'll have to get to a place of acceptance about that. I go back and forth between grief and anger. I'm sure when I feel nothing at all is when I'll hear from them. What can I do? Nothing that's what. Just living life, living the dream and enjoying the hell out of our surroundings and the love and passion we still have for each other, even after all these years. Life is truly spectacular.

Beauty

2011-06-19T18:46:00.000-07:00

This was taken at dusk last night. My favorite time of day. It's magical. I feel so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such beauty.

I have had the busiest week and I couldn’t be any happier. I love being busy. I have always functioned much better with a lot of things on my list to get done. I still didn’t get by the college but I’ll get it done soon enough. Life is beautiful, the pool is beautiful, the lake is beautiful, I am even happy that my feet hurt due to working so much. I’m grateful for each and every moment and I hope I continue feeling that way. I’m blessed.

I sent my daughter a heart felt hand written letter with her favorite childhood book. I will always be her Mom and she will always be my baby daughter. I’ve let it go now, the ball is in her court. We’ll see what happens. Only time will tell and it’s out of my hands.

I am going to bed early again tonight, I’m exhausted but exhilarated and love the nights I’ve been having lately. I’m sleeping soundly and smiling huge most of the time and I couldn’t ask for much more than that.

I started a new book this week and there was a spiritual quote I wrote down but I left it in my notebook and it’s in the car with T. but it said something to the effect that we are always growing spiritually or that our spirit is always growing. I love it. I feel like I’m having a growth spurt right now and it is beautiful.

Racing

2011-06-14T17:29:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the 15th. It's the anniversary of several things, one of them being my quit smoking date. It's been 3 months since I quit for the second time. If I hadn't relapsed I would be celebrating one year but I relapsed so... Such is life. I am pretty proud of myself.

Tomorrow is the full moon and also a lunar eclipse. My horoscope said it would be all good and business related and it's the truth. I have two jobs and will be working hard by the weekend. I'm cleaning offices every night and that's not easy but it's not too difficult. It's physical work and I'm earning an honest paycheck. I like that.

My mind is racing today. You would think that all the money that will be coming in would ease my mind a little bit but the truth is that it's making me more aware of all the things we need to get done around here and all the things that we need to be saving money for. So the worries come in which is useless. This is old behavior, it used to be a daily ritual for me to worry about money. I am not going there again. I will find something else to occupy my mind. My life is so good right now, why mess that up with my anxieties?

I have my meeting tonight so I'm glad of that. I have things to do tomorrow and I need to prepare for that. I will focus on the things I can change and do something about. I love my life.

Employed

2011-06-13T16:36:00.001-07:00

I just got the call. I have two jobs now.
I start Saturday for Avis Rental Cars out at the Airport.

I'm so freakin' happy right now I'm dancing.
In between status updates, blog updates and phone calls.

Woo Freakin' Hoo!!!!

Decisions

2011-06-11T13:46:00.000-07:00

Somebody said something today that was profound. She said that you have to learn to have good judgment. The way you learn how to make good decisions is to make a lot of bad ones. It's so true. I have made many decisions that were not good but they were the ones I learned to most from. How lucky I feel to be able to see this in my life today. I am sure my judgment has improved as a direct result of having poor judgment. I know this to be truth.

I have this job interview tomorrow and I'm concerned about a question he may or may not ask me that could affect whether or not he hires me. Now I have no control over what questions he asks, all I have control over is how I answer them. I made some bad choices back in 2000 and although I am at a completely different place in my life today, I could still have to answer for those choices. I have to remember I am not in charge of everything. I am not in charge of whether or not I get this job. It would help us a lot financially but we will be fine if I don't get it too. We always are.

My brother called me and we chatted for over an hour. I caught him up on what's happened in my life in the past 6 months and let me tell you it was a LOT! He never judges me, he just loves me. He loves me unconditionally just like my sister does. It is such a gift in my life to have siblings that love me so unconditionally. I love them too. We don't have parents, all we have is each other. It's something I treasure immensely. I love him dearly. I miss him a lot. It was wonderful to catch up with him.

I finished the letter to my daughter. I was sitting in Hastings yesterday and I finished it. I also finished a story I've been working on. I may or may not post it here. It's really interesting, at least to me. I have to edit and then type it up. I'm excited that I have two stories that I've written this year. It's been many years since I wrote anything fiction. I am impressed with myself that I followed through. I love writing and am grateful to have been so inspired in 2011. I am happy I have found my muse again.

I have the rest of the afternoon to myself and that feels great. I thought I may go for a run but the wind is blowing too hard and I don't want to run in it. I will do it tomorrow. I went to my meeting this morning and then cleaned one of the offices that I do. I love that I am working. It makes me feel part of the world. I pick up my first paycheck tomorrow. Go me!~! I love my life. I truly do. I have made some bad decisions but they have made me who I am. I don't know if I can even call them bad decisions since they have taught me many things. I don't regret the people I've had in my life at all. I only regret the hurts I have inflicted on people. Those have been my worst choices of all and since I can't go back and change it, I can only focus on making it right today.

I do not regret loving as hard as I have loved.
No regrets there at all. How can love ever be wrong? I don't believe it can.

Endorphins

2011-06-08T10:50:00.000-07:00

In this endorphin haze I decided to write. I am really not sure what will come out of me since I am feeling pretty stoned right now. I just did 45 minutes of Taebo and it was really challenging. I'm pushing myself every week with the workouts. I still don't have my eating under control but I shudder to think what I would look like if I wasn't burning so many calories every week.

My week is going extremely well. I have a long to-do list today so I need to get moving on it and stay off the computer. I see myself getting really sucked into the games on facebook again since I'm not doing much socializing (other than my wonderful JS buddies that I'm always in contact with). I sometimes miss some of the socializing.

Today I have Alanon and Alateen things to get done. WE are starting an Alateen meeting on Saturday mornings and there is some footwork to take care of. You can't work with teenagers without being certified because of potential issues. It is our responsibility to report any abuse that we hear about to the proper authorities. It makes it tough for them to open up to us but it is the law.

I am also working on my registration for next semester. I need to choose two more electives and I've taken all the psych and sociology classes available here. I am thinking I may take a writing class and a computer programming or website design class. Not sure on that though.

Life is good. I am working every evening, tonight I am cleaning two different offices and one is the V.A. and it's a really large building so there are two of us working on it. It's great to be working. I get my first paycheck Sunday. Woo Hoo!

Off to eat some protein to build my muscles. Hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday.

Tired

2011-06-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

Every month I deal with anemia that feels just like depression on top of lethargy. It's really frustrating and I have to remind myself it's not real, it's all just the iron in my blood being extremely low. I'm so tired of it. I slept 9 hours last night and took a really long nap and I still feel like I'm about to fall asleep sitting here.

Worked this evening, it's so easy and wonderful to be working and making money. I'm happy. I am making my cat some food right now, boiling chicken thighs. It's much more healthy and cost effective to make home made food for him. Chicken, salmon, brown rice and corned beef hash, all mixed together. Much better for him than the canned stuff that gave him the hypertension to begin with. Bless his heart. I love my animals so much.

T. is at her meeting and I am alone in the house right now, thinking a little bit too much. Wondering about a few things, trying not to let my mind wander too far away. Life is good and I'm extremely grateful. T. got another call today on some painting jobs so we are going to be just fine money wise. We always are. Things always work out. We have some great karma built up, that's all I can say. We never have hurt anyone intentionally. I hate hurting people.

Time to go finish up the cats food and start our dinner. Potato pancakes, bacon and eggs. Yummy. Hope you all are doing well. I've been terrible about reading everyone's blogs. I'll get there soon I promise. Hugs and Kisses :)

Work

2011-06-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

I just got a call, I am officially employed. Part time gig, cleaning doctors offices after hours. With the second job that's pending I'll be working full time and making enough money to do what I need to do. I'm so freakin' thrilled and relieved.

I love my life.

Ramble

2011-06-03T16:16:00.001-07:00

I haven’t done bad today on my eating and I intend on continuing with this. I am taking it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I worked out 4 days this week and feel great about that.

I am missing my daughter something fierce right now and when I think about it too much I get really depressed. I remember her senior year and how much we did together, how much I wanted for it to be perfect for her. I never had enough money but I always managed to give her what she needed. We got senior pictures and she did all the fun senior things and I still felt like I fell short. I loved and still love her so much. I don’t understand why she is choosing to turn her back on me when it hurts me so much. I would never judge her the way that she is judging me.

I wish I was starting my new job tomorrow. I think he will call this week though. I’m so ready. I will be working on Craigs list stuff tonight and tomorrow T. is off so we will be spending the day together <3 I’m excited about that. We may be going to the movies or may be just staying home. We have to get the pool in shape, it’s almost time for swimming. We are such wimps, the pool has to really warm up before we’ll get in it. I’m feeling happy and ready for the summer.

Life is beautiful, I love my life and it couldn’t be any better right now. Last night the meeting was on the first step. I am powerless over so many things in my life but the one thing I do have control over is my reactions to things and I choose to be happy. Right now and in this moment I am happy. Things are damn near perfect except for what’s happening with my daughter. I can’t change her feelings but I can choose to not get completely discouraged. I’m working on a letter for her. I just haven’t got it quite right yet. I want it to be perfect.

Contented

2011-06-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

I feel incredibly alive and blessed this morning. My life is full of, well, LIFE!

I had a job interview yesterday and it went extremely well. I know I am not in charge of whether or not I get this job. I am letting go and putting it in the hands of the universe. Today I have to go downtown and do some banking and shopping and then I have some paperwork and Craigs list things to get caught up on this afternoon. I’ve been working on email with a couple of potential buyers for some water skis and our upright freezer. I also am listing more jewelry and furniture and need to follow up with that. I’ll be busy the rest of the afternoon.

Life is good. Busy is good. My head cannot run away and take over when I’m busy. I skipped my meeting last night and we spent the evening in bed watching Dexter re-runs and relaxing. It is so beautiful in Havasu this time of year, the evenings are still cool enough to leave the doors open and let the breeze blow through the house. We watched the sunset over the lake and I just thought of all my blessings. I have a lot to be grateful for and I don’t want to forget that again.

Tuesday Rambling

2011-05-31T07:44:00.000-07:00

I have to get moving this morning. I need to do my Taebo and go for a run. I've gained 20 pounds since I quit smoking, thankfully the muscle has been maintained underneath my fat and I figure I will be able to stop eating so many sweets again someday. I can't seem to stop right now but I'm being more gentle with myself. I quit smoking for Gods sake. Of course I've gained weight, my body is freaking out without the chemicals and drugs it had for 28 YEARS!! Anyway, I need to get that workout done.

But here I sit. I sold Grandma's old sewing machine to a really nice older couple that I met on Craigslist. They came and picked it up yesterday evening. I have had so much luck on Craigslist. I must say I kind of have a knack for listing items, then following through with the emails with people and setting up appointments. We have made quite a bit of money.

I am also going out to the place I sent my resume to and filling out an official application. I have my reference page ready to give to him and the rest is out of my hands. I would love to get this job and if it's meant to be it will happen. We shall see.

I had a disturbing dream about my Mom this morning. I was thinking about my kids last night when I went to sleep. They aren't currently speaking to me because of some bad decisions I made. Now I don't know how I raised such judgmental children but apparently I did and they won't give me a break. I'm not allowed to make choices unless they approve of them I guess. Anyway, I was thinking of them and how my sister didn't speak to my Mom for years and it just breaks my heart to think my daughter might do that to me. So I had a strange and unsettling dream of my Mother. I usually don't dream of her. Mostly I'm waiting for her to show up in my dreams. But she was there with her new husband and it was really weird. I think it's weird to dream of the dead anyway but this one had a weird undertone and my brother Ryan was in it too. Unsettling.

OK, time to get moving. Happy Tuesday.

Where It Comes From

2011-05-29T14:27:00.001-07:00

Fears come from a far away place and land on my plate. They spice my food with suspicions and give it a bitter taste on my tongue. I have no justification for feeling this way and yet it still exists. I have no right to worry about the future, to let these worries melt my ice cream in my bowl like the sun. It melts in seconds an d curdles when left in the heat. It sours in my throat and gives me mucous in my chest.
\
When I cough, the anxiety breaks up in my lungs and is then in bite sized fears that come up through my throat. When I cough them up harder, I can spit out the hard chunks into my hand and then wash them down the drain. Down the drain it flows with the water - those fears that make no sense. They go into the sewer with all the other waste.

When you cast my fears aside you told me they weren't important. They were ploys to get you to fight with me and to make me hurt you and they really weren't real. They are very real to me.

Detachment

2011-05-28T11:30:00.001-07:00

Today's meeting was on detachment. What a timely topic for me. I have spent a good portion of my life detached from myself and others and have needed to learn how to be present and in the moment. The rest of my life was spent taking care of people that needed to learn how to take care of themselves. It truly is an art to learn what is mine and what is theirs.

I think I became a caretaker later in life, I certainly wasn't brought up to be one. My Mom took care of all my needs but when it came to emotional fulfillment I was on my own. I'm grateful that I have learned to feel what I am feeling and to allow others to have their own emotions. What a great lesson that has been.

We made enough money yesterday to take care of one small issue, now we have to work on getting the rest of it. It's happening. The universe is taking care of us. I'm so grateful for everything I have learned this week. I have had an amazing week and can honestly say I love my life.

Break

2011-05-26T12:57:00.001-07:00

I am pricing Antique Costume Jewelry and getting a lot of things ready for the big Estate Sale we are having tomorrow. It's fun to stop and take pictures of myself. I'm so narcissistic and it really IS all about me. Ha!

The Kiss

2011-05-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

She was watching me come undone and my heart was crying out for her to wake me up. She breathed life into me with that kiss on that morning. I was not living. I felt so alone and I was drowning in words. She grabbed me and gave me that kiss, that kiss changed everything. I went about my day but I knew I had been sleeping for a long time and I needed that passion to feel alive again.

There is a line that we can cross if we allow ourselves to go there. I allowed myself to split apart and move into another realm. There were things I would do to stay in reality, certain songs, certain dreams, I would drift there when I was alone and I would see of glimpse of her there.

ON that day and in that kiss I allowed myself to be drawn in much further than before and I knew- my body, heart and mind knew that I crossed back over to her. I crossed back over to you. I allowed myself to come back again. I want to write it down so I don't forget the power in that kiss. The way we both pulled away and looked at each other, knowing and realizing - then we kissed again.

Where There is Hope

2011-05-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

I went to my Alanon meeting last night and the topic was hope. Hope is a beautiful thing. I know there are days I don’t seem to have much hope and if I can find something that gives me that glimmer, that tiny bit of hope is all that I need to keep moving forward. Now hope is different than expectations. When you expect things to go your way or expect people to behave a certain way, that can lead to disappointment that can be avoided. Hope is, to me the belief that everything is working out the way that God intended. Everything is as is it should be.

Last weekend I got my hopes way up about attending a convention in Prescott. Beautiful weather, lots of healthy recovery and workshops, all my beloved friends that I miss so much. Plans fell through and I didn’t get to go and I was pretty disappointed. Then in a sudden turn of events my life changed tremendously and it all became different. Literally in the blink of an eye my life was different and my future was different. It is all good. I was not supposed to be at that convention. I was supposed to be home, to go through all the pain I suffered so that the outcome could unfold the way that it did. Life is funny that way.

I am really happy today. I went for a run and was thinking about today and how it is a great day for opportunity. I believe things are changing for the better and I have a lot of hope in this moment. Happy Wednesday, May 25, 2011. I Love My Life.

Job Hunting Hope

2011-05-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

I had to go to the MVD today and get a printout of my driving record for the past 3 years to apply for a job at a car rental place. I sent all my information including my resume to them and I just received a call from the Manager.

I'm going in and I'm going to knock his socks off. I have a good feeling about this job. It's only part time but it's a job and that makes me smile widely. I can't wait to start working. Even if this falls through it is getting me in full on professional mode once again. It's been awhile.

I've been out of work for almost exactly 3 years on July 31st. Holy crap that's a long time to not be working. Anyway I'm super excited to realize I still have the ability to write an excellent resume and be on the ball. He sounded impressed. YAY!

Hunting

2011-05-24T10:37:00.001-07:00

Like so many Americans are doing, I am job hunting. It is time consuming and somewhat frustrating to look for work in any city, let alone a small one like Lake Havasu. I know I will be working soon and that is kind of depressing too. I am going to school so I can have a career and not just a job. I will be working and doing just a job again soon. I am grateful to have so much experience to offer and so many great professional references. I have not burned bridges in my working life.

My mentor and first real employer sent me a graduation announcement for her daughter. I can’t believe it’s been 18 years since she was born. I was working for her when she was born. Time flies and it just keeps flying by. It’s amazing to me how fast it’s moving. Anyway, this little girl is now a beautiful young graduate and she will be in college soon. It is wonderful to see her accomplish her goals. I love her like my own daughter. I miss my family.

So, now I prepare my resume and fax/cover sheet and I’m applying for a job renting cars. It is a job I could do in my sleep but I’m grateful for any opportunity right now that isn’t slinging greasy hamburgers on a grill. I just need some money. It’s a start.

Waiting

2011-05-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

I wait
sit on my hands
sit on my thoughts
keep my heart bound
tongue tied and
twisted

I wait
last week was dread
this week is lead
heart full
dragging bottom
twisted

Opening Wide

2011-05-23T15:58:00.000-07:00

It is interesting what we find when we make room for the new to come in. I have been consistently opening channels in myself since June of last year. I stopped smoking for the first time in June 2010 and that opened up a huge channel inside of me. It sounds very strange to those who don’t believe in such things but I do believe. I believe when you clear away any sort of clutter you invite new experiences to come into your world.

I have been writing more than I have written in years since December of 2010. This is both a blessing and a curse. I will be lying by the pool and soaking up the sunshine and a verse comes to mind and I am compelled to abandon my peaceful sun worship and run into the darkened room that is lit only by the computer screen and typing ensues. Or I grab my trusty notebook and pen the lines at the kitchen counter lest I forget the words that are fleeting sometimes. This channel has been opened in my world and I give credit to relinquishing the dirty habit of smoking that so took over me for so many years.

Oh, there have been many experiences that have come my way as a result of opening up pathways in myself. I have started running and continued since last June. I am not always consistent but it is something I enjoy and love very much. The rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement or asphalt, the pain I feel when I finish, the lovely endorphins that take over and clear my brain and intoxicate me. I love the whole process of running, from beginning to end. It is one of my drugs of choice. The first of drug of choice in my world is sex. But that I will leave for another entry.

Element of Fire Part II

2011-05-22T17:47:00.000-07:00

We have that fire –
The fire that burns passionately
Taking my breath
And heating my blood
Waking my spirit
And claiming me again
I belong to you
You possess me
And I’m willing –
I live and breathe your fire

Comparison/Contrast

2011-05-22T17:39:00.001-07:00

And so I saw -
I remembered
and Dreamed
of a time
When intimacy was
A light touch on the cheek
My head in your lap
Your hand in my hair
The words you said
The sound of your voice

And so I saw -
How intimacy transformed
And became about
Computer screens
and
Words written
Messages sent that simulated
Feelings evoked by
Words I heard
In my own voice

Instead of words spoken in her voice.

Take This From Me

2011-05-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

My mind has never stopped being obsessive. I can try and do other things to stay occupied and yet when I get a free moment, the obsession comes back. I try and pretend it's not there but it's there. I try and move through it and under and around it but the obsession has a life of its own. When did I start confusing love and obsession? When did I start thinking that what I am feeling is true love when it it is really a thick and juicy obsession that will not stop knocking on my door?

I am awake and have been working on dumping some of these thoughts from my mind. I write at 750 words to clear my head and yet the thoughts still haunt me. I drink my coffee and contemplate all the many things I have to do and yet I have a feeling it will be another morning of distracting my mind to distance myself from these racing thoughts. I wonder if I need something to help my mind stop racing. I wonder if I need something to calm me down.

Our passion is addictive. I think of nothing else but the way she undresses me and looks at my body with such admiration, and tells me it is perfection. I remember the passion I brought out in her and it makes me tingle. I remember and remember and want to stay there so the other thoughts don't crowd and push their way to the front of my consciousness but there they are. Again. And it is driving me mad.

I want to run and keep running until my legs feel like jello and the only thing in my mind is the pain of my muscles and the breathing I am trying to do. I want to cover myself, head to toe in cocoa butter and lay out by the pool and let the sun fill me with his power and his warmth and take these obsessions far from me so that they disappear into the suns rays and float off into the horizon, never to be seen again. (perhaps I will try with the sun and run).

Friday Night

2011-05-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

Friday night ego in full swing
wondering what this will bring
searching for pieces of
I'm not sure
hoping to find pieces of
I don't know
clueless
fruitless
wondering why I'm hopeless
Ego so large
it lights up the night

hurry home
so I can forget

Jar of Hearts

2011-05-20T15:26:00.000-07:00

When I imagine the lonely nights and see the despair on her face as she sits in front of the computer screen waiting for the message that never comes, it breaks my heart. When I see how she must have felt when she opened that letter, the one telling her it was over and would never be again, it fills me with despair.

Another day has gone by and the doldrums of life are hitting. The car broke down – got fixed. Money troubles are a reality and we continue to amaze and excite one another. Boredom and reality ensue. The tick tick of my watch beats loudly in my ear. My hair has been cut and colored. A million stories play out in my mind. Food is cooked, eaten and dishes are done. Life moves forward.

I still think of her sitting and wondering why I ended it this way. I still can’t get her out of my head. I hate that I have hurt her and I hate the destruction I have caused by my own careless actions and words. She did not cause me to do the things I did. I went willingly into the night, into her car, out onto the sand. I allowed her mouth to kiss me and to make me breathless and I allowed myself to forget the passion I had at home. I told myself I could move on and let these things happen and I wish now that I hadn’t done that. I have many regrets. I have regrets that I didn’t know I was capable of having. I have allowed someone to live in my minds eye and to fill my heart with their words and their love. I have loved whole heartedly and I have lost just as much.

Element of Fire

2011-05-19T19:40:00.001-07:00

Today was interesting, long and quiet. The hours tick by and follow me closely- stalking me and making me feel paranoid. I hear the tick tick tock and I feel more time is being added to my days. Her suspicious mind is adding to my anxiety and I can’t say that I blame her for not trusting me – for questioning the moves I make and wondering what’s going on inside my head. Flash back – rewind and here I am again, comfortably relaxing in bed while her familiar, strong hands stroke me and lull me to sleep. She plays my body like an instrument and takes my hesitation and blows it like dust in the wind. The sharp contrast does not elude me, the passion that flows so freely. I kept thinking it would appear before but it did not and it was lying in wait and is just so – effortless. It just ignites and expands and grows crackling and climbing up and around slinking up the walls behind the bed and to the ceiling. The screams and cries so trapped inside of me came exploding out and painted a picture of a dragon’s breath so fresh and hanging in the air. I am so passionate and I should have never forgotten that passion in the seductive words that she said. I will never forget again.

The Winds of Change

2011-05-17T13:01:00.000-07:00

The winds of change have been blowing through this year and there have been many changes in my life. I am not sure where they will take me but I do know I'm listening. Listening to the whistle of the wind, to the voice of the universe.

I am currently looking for work after being a full time student and former manager. It has been 3 years since I was last employed. It's an exciting time for me to get out there again and feel productive and making money.

I've been mostly on facebook and yesterday I deactivated my account and though it is a temporary change I am thinking of documenting what takes place in my life as a result of freeing up some time and energy that I was spending online. I have already noticed there is more room inside of me to welcome new people and opportunities.

Yes, the winds of change are blowing. I can't wait to see where I land.

The Media and Stereotyping

2010-11-06T14:31:00.000-07:00

**This is actually the "classroom" discussion we had on the subject that is titled above. I found that I am pretty opinionated about this subject too. Shocked. If anyone sees my name in this could you let me know? I think I got it all out of there.

Stereotypes and the Media - (Nov 2, 2010 5:31 PM)

I believe the media is guilty of perpetuating stereotypes in many ways. In the entertainment world especially, these stereotypes are not only perpetuated but there seems to be no backlash involved. I have watched day after day as Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen go in and out of court and rehabs after being arrested for breaking their probation. Then a few days later you have black rap artists sentenced to 11 months and even years for the same violations.

http://www.examiner.com/us-headlines-in-national/felony-dropped-from-charlie-sheen-charges-he-will-serve-no-jail-time-video/

http://www.hiphopdx.com/index/news/id.12823/title.ti-checks-into-prison-begins-serving-11-month-sentence/

I see this as racist and yet no apologies are made for this happening. Nobody is even upset over this, they just seem to accept it as true and normal. This just reinforces the notion that black people are criminals and deserved to be punished while the white race has special privileges.

I can see that these stereotypes could be beneficial to some political parties. It just reinforces the fact that the black race will never be completely free of racism even if they have the money, and the white people will go free and get away with certain crimes much more frequently. I believe the more they show these types of things as normal, the more people will accept it and it will never change.

Re: Stereotypes and the Media - (Nov 3, 2010 1:29 PM)

Thank you Brittney

I see this often and it infuriates me. It is upsetting how we are so accepting as a society to kinds of racial bias. I am not sure I can add much else to this comment as I am still reeling from yesterday's election. Thank you for your words. I do like to make a good point and have it be heard.

Re: Stereotyping -

I wrote my comments on the same issue. How is it that someone like Charlie Sheen can get away with breaking his probation, doing drugs, hiring prostitutes, committing violence against his wife and someone like a Rap Artist (who is black) goes away to prison for 11 months for violating his probation? I do believe it is racially influenced and the more we see these kinds of things as normal, the more we accept them as noirmal events.

Re: Media and Stereotypes - (Nov 3, 2010 1:38 PM)

You are so right about the media and television portraying these anorexic women as normal sized. I was watching an episode of "The Real Housewives" and it blew me away how skinny they are! I think the camera adds 10 pounds too! If that's the case they must look horrific in real life. I do believe it has contributed to women and eating disorders being so rampant. It's a very scary thing and a good example of stereotyping of women.

Re: Media an sterotyping - (Nov 5, 2010 12:14 PM)

I agree with you that the media gets away with tearing people's lives apart. I see it as a form of legalized stalking and it makes me grateful that I have the normal life I have. I can't imagine going through a messy divorce and having it splashed all over the TV and magazines for the world to gawk at and comment about. those things are hard enough to go through without everybody and their brother commenting.

Re: TV Stereotypes? - (Nov 5, 2010 12:18 PM)

My opinion is that so-called "reality" television is anything but real. I watched the "REAL Beverly Hills Housewives" last night with my friends and it was crazy! These women never eat and they always look perfect. One of them threw a birthday party for their 4 year old that cost $60,000. They look like they have make-up artists that live with them and they are always "on". Now I can gauge reality pretty well but I imagine there are women that compare themselves and find themselves lacking in many ways. It's not reality and I would much rather watch re-runs of "Roseanne" or "Everybody Loves Raymond" that portrays life a little more messy and real. TV is not a good role model for society in any way, at least in my opinion.

NeedsMotivesBehaviors

2010-11-06T14:23:00.000-07:00

**This is a rough draft of the essay I turned in on Monday. I can't copy the final draft, it's on my flash drive. So excuse any errors, grammatical or otherwise. I don't have time to edit this for a blog post. Just wanted to share as this is really the only writing I'm doing much of lately. Part of this article is fabricated and is not my brother.

Personality Psychology

Essay Two

There are people that find it difficult to live with any imperfections. They have a need to appear perfect, or to actually be perfect, and it can be so intense that it’s often exhausting and even painful. The word perfectionism can and has been used to describe people with high standards but there are differences in setting high standards and being a perfectionist. When setting goals and high standards reaches the level of need that is driven by fear of failure, it is known as perfectionism.

Setting challenging goals and having high standards for you can be a great motivator. It can lead to growth, development and a feeling of satisfaction. The performance of an individual is function of his ability & willingness or desire to use his ability in achieving certain goals. The willingness or desire to act, to behave, to run, or even to keep quiet is what may be called in simplest manner as motivation. Motivation can be defined as a process, which begins with a need, or deficiency, which triggers behavior or a drive that is aimed at a goal or an incentive.

Motivation is a phenomenon by which `Motives ' based on `Needs ' will condition an individual’s behavior. Therefore, motivation refers to the way in which wages, drives, desires, aspiration, strivings, or needs, controls or explains human behavior. The word motivation has been derived from motive which means any idea, need or emotion that prompts a man in to action. Whatever may be the behavior of man, there is some stimulus behind it .Stimulus is dependent upon the motive of the person concerned. Motive can be known by studying his needs and desires. It is hard to draw the line precisely between wants and needs. There might be a biological minimum rooted in human nature, but there is a second minimum that varies to a significant extent with culture. In some cultures, it is almost impossible to receive respect if one does not wear a shirt or one cannot read. In other cultures (especially at other, earlier times) one could get by without a shirt (at least in warm weather) and inability to read was not noticed since nobody could.

Even if we grant that some of the things required to meet our needs (such as social needs) are culturally shaped and cannot be understood in strict biological terms, we can still distinguish between needs and mere wants.

My family is full of high achievers. My brother for example finished college four years after graduation with 2 bachelor’s degrees. He then went back for his Masters in teaching and is now a High School English teacher which was another of his dreams. In all his life he never achieved less than an A grade in school. He was student body president, active and phenomenal in the performing arts, very beloved by all who met him. He also had an inner struggle with perfectionism that has not seemed to let up even as he approaches 40 years of age.

As a teacher he strives to be the best and for the most part he is successful in his endeavors. He is one of the most beloved teachers at the high school he teaches at and his students have the highest test scores (the measure of achievement) in the school. When speaking with him and asking about his motivation in general he told me he wants to be the best. I also discussed whether or not this has hindered him in any way and he told me he has always had an inner loneliness that nothing can fill because he is so competitive it keeps people at a distance. Even though he has friends and family he often has a sense that he is “on the stage” and performing so that people will like him. He has an inner struggle that tells him he is not good enough. Part of that inner dialogue is what keeps him motivated to be successful and as he says “be the best”. I do believe part of this is biologically inherited because my sister and I tend to be high achievers also. We were always kept actively busy in group activities and sports and I believe that put some kind of drive in us to perform well and get the rewards for doing well. I believe our parents wanted highly successful children and that motivated us to do our best to get their approval. This was definitely learned behavior in that respect.

Lecture Comments

2010-11-06T14:11:00.000-07:00

Lecture Comments on Gender Bias in Mathematics, Science and Technology.

One of the first thoughts I had when reading this article was that it did not apply to me in certain areas. I asked for a microscope and a chemistry set for Christmas when I was 10 years old and received one. I had read the book “Harriet the Spy” and loved the character in the book that was a female scientist in the making. I aspired to be like her. I also wanted to be a writer and a spy. I was encouraged to pursue these things to a certain extent but when I reached the Jr. High years I was also encouraged by the recruiter who came to register us for our new school to enroll in Home Economics as well as the School Newspaper.

My aspirations to be a scientist died when I discovered socializing and boys but I think it had more to do with my raging hormones. I was also in the middle of peer pressure to fit in and most of the girls were more feminine than I was and I wanted to fit in with them. I was more of a tomboy by nature and I discovered the fact that I was not coordinated therefore did not fit in with the sporty crowd of females. If I had been more athletically inclined I would have gone in that direction. I did spend a majority of my time writing stories and reading books but I did not find mathematics or science particularly interesting and I’m not sure if I had been more “encouraged” that would have mattered to me.

I also found that the references quoted in this article were from the 80’s so I started looking on the internet to find any recent articles on the same subject and was surprised to actually find many articles on gender bias in these fields. It seems the research shows that not much has changed. More men than women still pursue these fields and it seems that boys are encouraged to do so more than girls are. But how much of it is that the teacher’s are biased? I was reading an article on a report that came out in November 2009 that says the "fundamental claim" of the Academies report that men outnumber women in certain math and science fields because of social barriers against females has "no scientific foundation." They say research has shown a connection between genetic and hormonal differences between males and females, which affect behavior and choice of occupation.”

http://blogs.edweek.org/edweek/curriculum/2009/11/book_re-examines_gender_and_ca.html Nov. 5, 2010 Education Week

While I agree there are some teachers and institutions that hinder females from pursuing careers in Science, Mathematics and Technology, I also believe there could be biological factors. I don’t find it completely far fetched that as a female we may have less interest in such things. In my case specifically it was so. I may have been fortunate to have parents who encouraged me to be whom I wanted but I don’t believe every female is discouraged from taking Math and Science courses. In fact it was required for me to take Math until my junior year of high school and Science through my sophomore year. I am not arguing that there is evidence of more males in these fields of study, but I do believe there are more reasons and that some of them could be biological.

Buried

2010-11-04T16:26:00.000-07:00

Seems all I do is study. Guess what? My eyes are going bad. I wore glasses as a young child, then my eyes seemed to correct themselves. Then I was far sighted and wore contacts and they stopped working up close. Now I am struggling to see the TV and the dry erase boards (what happened to chalk boards) at school. *sigh* I need glasses. And I need to study. But I'm off to my next Al-Anon meeting in an hour so those pesky division of radical expression problems will have to wait. Bleh.

Thinking the Monday Before Elections (Not a Political Blog Just Stating a Fact)

2010-11-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

This is a Havasu Sunrise. I have been known to rise early, before anyone else and capture the sunrise. I have been know to pray, long before the sun rises and watch the sun come up as I am praying. The mornings are my quiet time of day. I used to fill up up completely with working out , eating breakfast, hastily reading my Al-anon books and offering a rote prayer to God. Now it's more of a quiet companionship, just me and the energy.

I believe there is a great Spirit. I pray to Spirit. I believe in the power of the universe but I also believe in the power of prayer. I believe we all speak to the God of our understanding and that it is all the same power. We can make things happen if we all concentrate our energies on the same thing at the same time. I believe in Quantum Physics.

I turned in my Psychology paper tonight and we discussed Emotions and Feelings in class tonight. It was interesting to see how far I've come in that are. I've grown up a lot emotionally. I believe there are many ways to express yourself, but to attach feelings to everything I experience is to me childish and a learned behavior. I can let it go. I will always be a deeply feeling and caring person but I do believe there comes a time to "tone it down" as it where.

I think I'm growing up again. It's funny how that happens. You absolutely get many chances to change and become who you really want to be in your life. But I know life is short so I want to make all the changes fast. I sometimes feel like I could die young and want to make sure I do all I can in the years I have. You just never know. Life is weird like that.

Just like that I'm getting job offers left and right for small jobs that are flexible that I can fit right in with my school schedule. It's amazing how that works when you put energy out there.

Affirmation: My life is delightful. I am recieving money in expected and unexpected ways.

This is working. I am being a personal assistant, dog sitting and possibly bartending over the holidays and making enough money to pay my own personal bills and be fully self supporting. This is important to me because I have to carry my own weight. I don't like to be dependent on anyone financially. It's another issue with me.

I quit smoking June 15, 2010. It's been 4.5 months. I have gained 10 pounds but a whole new perspective on my life. It's been that life altering. It's an amazing thing and I feel very proud of myself.

Can't believe I wrote a blog entry. I haven't blogged regularly in a long time.

Friends

2010-05-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

It's wonderful to have friends in our life finally. We are going to a birthday party for one of my dearest friends today. She is turning 65! All of my friends here are much older than me. I am usually the baby of the bunch. Fine by me, makes me feel younger.

It's funny how I lost my Mom and have had no real female role models in my life. I don't have a grandma and never did. My Aunt is crazy and I have to keep my distance. My other Aunts are far far away and I've never been close to them.

Now I'm surrounded with older women. Surrounded with all the "mother love" I could ever ask for or need. The Universe is amazing. This is not a coincidence. I am very grateful. Everything is as it should be. I am blessed.

Worry

2010-05-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

My son was arrested yesterday. He was not following the terms of his probation and has to serve 9 more days in Tent City in Phoenix. So I won't get to see him this visit.

It is a consequence of his actions. I understand this but as a Mother it breaks my heart and I want to DO something!! I feel completely helpless and it's hard for me to detach emotionally from this issue. I think I will still get to meet and spend time with his fiance anyway. It's so strange. I just don't understand why he can't just get into A.A. and get his crap together!!!!

On another note I will be spending tomorrow with all of my Alanon family. I will have some time with my sponsor which I'm really looking forward to. And I'm very grateful for all the support and the tools I have to deal with these kinds of issues.

I love my son. I can't let this ruin the visit with my daughter. She's really looking forward to hosting us at her place. I have to give up the worry and have a good time. I woke up with some really big stomach pains. I know it's nerves and anxiety. I pray they go away soon. I'll be picking up the rental car soon and we're heading out. I hate that I can't see my son.

Maybe on the next visit I'll be able to see him.

New Sunburn

2010-05-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

I bought a new bikini today. First I slathered on the sunscreen and then I laid out by the pool for an hour. I still got burned! Sucks too because I've never worn a bikini so I got burned in places that has never seen the sun ever!

I'm going to Phoenix Friday to an Alanon event and to spend time with my kiddos. I'm so excited to see them! We are renting a cool car and taking our first road trip together since last July. Hooray!

Not much else to report. Just happy to be getting out of town for a weekend. And that I get to see all of my favorite family and Alanon family while I am there.

August 2006

2010-05-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

We have started watching the first season of Six Feet Under again. It throws me back to the summer of 2006. Life was pretty calm then, except for the fact that I had a huge case of empty nest syndrome happening in my head. I missed my daughter terribly, it was her second summer away from me. She moved out in 2005.

We were dead broke financially but we managed to create our own fun. Tee started a new job at Fascinations, an Adult Boutique and we had lots of sexy nights together. But more than that I remember being alone a lot. She worked from 6 or 7 at night until 2 or 3 in the morning. I came home from my job at about 7:30. So I was alone in the house, truly alone for the first time.

I ate a lot. Compulsively ate. I was online a lot, spent hours on myspace and facebook. It was the first time I found solace in the internet, and it helped me with my loneliness. I was involved in Al-Anon but was not feeling it in my heart. I missed my daughter and the time we spent together.

It's funny, when you have children the can become your sole focus whether you mean it to happen or not. I never wanted to be one of those kinds of mothers that didn't have a life of their own. I always had my own life and passions. But I did focus a lot of time and attention on my children. Especially my daughter that was with me more years than my son. I had grown used to my son living with his father, I missed him but not as much. I had never been away from my daughter on a day to day basis and it was frustrating. I didn't agree with the choices she was making and I had no control over them. She dropped out of college and moved back to Phoenix. I felt like she was making huge mistakes. I am grateful I had people to talk to about these things back then. It was hard to watch her make such mistakes.

My daughter and I have a different relationship now. We have both grown up a lot. I miss her but not like I used to. She has her own life now and makes her own choices and I accept them. I accept her for who she is and I can see the compassion in her heart and the love she has for the people in her life. I can see that she is not me. She is not even an extension of me. She is herself. It has taken many years to get to that point. This summer she will be moved out for 5 years. It's unbelievable to me that time has gone by so quickly. I am grateful for the time I get to spend with her now.

Watching the first season of Six Feet Under was a lot of fun. I called my daughter all the time to get her views on certain episodes and to discuss the characters. We still do that after all this time. When she sees a movie she'll call me and we'll talk about it and vice versa. It's fun and something we have in common. I try to keep my conversations light. It doesn't pay to wander off into morbid reflection. She has the tendency to be dramatic like I do so we know better. Instead we enjoy our conversations and I love talking to her. In fact it's time to call her right now.

Sunburn

2010-05-16T16:57:00.000-07:00

I have a bit of a sunburn. It was pretty warm today so I decided to test out the pool. Still too cold to swim but I got wet and abruptly hopped on the raft, all the while keeping my iPod out of the water. That takes talent! We put a gallon of tea out in the sun to make sun tea and the wind later blew it over, spilling it all over the deck. I had to laugh.

I feel like I live in paradise. To have the luxury of having no worries, money to pay the bills, more love in my life than I ever dreamed of, is a beautiful thing. I can't believe this is my life. I was saying that 6 months ago for entirely different reasons. Now I'm so grateful for boredom, for quiet, and for safety.

It is funny that my head will try to create it's own drama. I can find the silliest things to obsess over. Which is why it helps me to remember where I came from. What my life has been like for the past few years. It helps me to put it into perspective and remain grateful for the little things. It's ok to be bored. It's ok to have nothing at all to do. Life does not need to be full of anxiety. I wish my head didn't try to create it. Today I am peaceful. And really, that's all I have is today. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. Nobody is. So I want to enjoy my boredom.

Burned Out

2010-05-13T07:29:00.001-07:00

I am beyond exhausted now that the semester is done. I really can't even think. My brain is trying to catch up. That's what constant studying will do to you. Tee took this picture yesterday while I was napping...

This is May?

2010-05-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

The weather has been so cool it certainly doesn't feel like May. I can't believe it's only 60 degrees this morning. What a lovely change.

I finished my Algebra final and am now officially finished with the semester. I am very proud of myself. I managed another straight "A" semester and couldn't feel better about it. Now it's time to busy myself with rest and relaxation :)

Next week I'm going to Phoenix and I'll see my children and my friends for the weekend. I'm really looking forward to getting out of Havasu. I can't wait. I have plenty to do in the next few months with Al-Anon and Alateen. It keeps me hopping. I will be visiting the outlying areas and making sure everything is running smoothly in the meetings.

Today we are headed down to the lake for the afternoon. I love the days that we can be outside enjoying the scenery. It usually doesn't happen in May. I feel so blessed. There's not much else happening. But like I said, boring is good right now. I'm sure life will throw things my way but for now I'm not looking for it.

One Year

2010-05-09T07:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a year since I've blogged here. Maybe I'll start again. I like the idea of having a journal that only a few people really read. It's not that I have anything to hide, I just that I don't feel like I have much to write about anymore.

Life is good. Things with T. and I are great. In fact I am more in love than ever. I am very busy with Al-Anon and school. Finishing up my second semester in the next week. I have anxiety over my Algebra final but I think anyone would have anxiety over that.

We spend our time working around the house, watching movies, doing things with our friends and being parents to our fur babies and adult children. It seems to some a simple and boring life but I love that it's boring right now. For so long I lived in the drama of death and drugs and it just feels wonderful to be living.

I have gotten so much out of the classes I've taken. My favorites have been Ethics and Social Problems in Modern Society. I have written about 30 essays since I have started school and feel like my brain is truly being exercised with all that I have learned. Life is just ... Dare I say it.... Normal.

So I may find things to write about, then again I may not.

It's Official

2009-05-03T19:55:00.001-07:00

It's Hot here! It hit 100 degrees today I do believe. I went outside with my book and towel and decided to test the pool. The thermometer read 70 degrees but I couldn't get in past my ankles. I just laid in the sun (with my sunscreen on) and read my book. After awhile without a breeze it got to be pretty hot so I got in the pool for real. It was still too cold but I got my body completely wet and then got out to get some sun on my back. I hear a tan helps to minimize cellulite.

It's summer. I really enjoyed being out by the pool on my chaise lounge and looking out over the lake. There were lots of boats and jet skis out there today. This evening the wind has kicked in again. It's weird how it just appears out of nowhere in the evenings lately. It's supposed to get up to 107 this week. Holy crap! Nothing like kicking off summer the first week of May. **sigh** I guess it's inevitable.

Tomorrow I have orientation for some tutoring/mentoring I am doing with adults and children. It's a kind of literacy project here in Lake Havasu and, well, I AM good at reading and writing so I hope I can help someone. I know it will be rewarding and it will get me out of the house for a few more hours a week. Right now I just get out for Alanon, banking and grocery shopping.

Today is my baby brother's birthday. I didn't get a chance to call him and now it's too late. I'm sure he's pretty loaded right now and I don't want to talk to him. I haven't talked to my sister in a couple of days either. She sounded much better when we last talked, her husband has finally moved out. Thank God.

We are watching an Elvis Presley movie on TV and just relaxing. I made some spicy crispy baked chicken tonight for dinner that turned out really well. Not much going on here in Havasu land but that's a good thing. All is well.

Hope you all had a lovely Sunday too.. :)

Photo Entry.. Sunsets Never Get Old in Havasu

2009-05-02T21:10:00.000-07:00

Early Morning Thoughts With My Coffee

2009-05-01T06:21:00.000-07:00

It is wonderful to get up early, at least for me. I am enjoying the luxury of waking up with the birds and not having anywhere too pressing to be. I do have an Alanon meeting at 10 am but that's a ways off. I have no job to rush to yet in my world and it's nice to just get up and enjoy the morning.

I was up at 5:30 this morning, I set the clock for 6:30 and it went off an hour earlier. The clock was reset at some point to the wrong time. I am ok with that. I am NOT ok with the fact that the thermostat reads almost 80 degrees this early in the morning but what can I do about that anyway? Not much. There is no wind which is great because it annoys me but not so great because it isn't here to keep the temps down. I really like opening the doors and letting the beautiful morning air inside. I'll have to stop doing that soon enough.

It's a gorgeous morning, no wind to speak of and there are a few clouds in the sky to take the glare of the sun down a notch. I am feeling very hopeful.

My sister is going through an awful divorce with her husband. The man that has always been so kind and gentle to her is turning into a monster at the realization of losing her. He called me yesterday and started venting. After listening to him, and then listening to her I finally told him when he called back that I could not discuss this stuff with him because, well, she is my sister and I love her and she comes first to me. Setting a boundary. It made me feel bad for him but that's what I have to do.

I detest being in the middle. I really hate that she is going through such heartache. It's a battlefield and I guess I have chosen her side. Her husband left me a nasty message when T. and I went to get ice cream. I guess he's mad at me now. That's always my problem, I don't like for people to get mad at me. I hate it. I would rather make peace and everyone just be happy and get along. Sadly, life isn't like that.

Today I am chairing the meeting and the topic is Step and Tradition Five. I know a lot about these things so it won't be hard for me to share on them. I am a little concerned that stalker girl will be there but I will not let it ruin my serenity. I must find a way to accept this person just as she is. That's what Alanon has been teaching me.

I was sad to read that Sunny is leaving us. But I do understand the need to live real life. I have left blogging behind many times to be present in my life. It was becoming an addiction for me too. I am now trying to find a balance. I have many more real life friends that are back in my world and many new ones too. It happened because I was able to put down my laptop and get out there and live my life a little bit. And also using the phone and answering it when it rings. But I was able to get in contact with 3 of my best girlfriends through facebook. I adore facebook. I love that I have been able to renew some old friendships through there. And of course now I am feeling like blogging again which is a wonderful thing.

In a few days it will be the anniversary of my Dad's death. I can't believe it's been a year already. I still miss him and I'm still sad that he suffered alone. But I don't have this sense of impending doom like with other deaths I've experienced. I am in Acceptance about his death. That is a great place to be.

Well, I'm off to read a few blogs and get ready for my workout. I hope Friday is fantastic for everyone. I'm sure it will be for me.

Body Transformation

2009-04-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

Just Bragging :)

I'm very proud of myself.. Hope you find something to be proud of today too..

An Update An Update!!!

2009-03-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

I am actually feeling really good right now. I have an appointment with an advisor at the College tomorrow, have found some great networking meetings in town and am making new friends. I am only 3 pounds from my goal weight and look fabulous :) I haven't felt like writing but I have taken a few pictures, thought I'd share them.

Our bedroom at Sunset

Our Dresser

Sliding Glass Door in our Bedroom.

Some of the stuff from our Estate Sale last weekend.

I am ECSTATIC to have my books back in the house and on the shelf. I just keep staring at them. They complete me.. lol

I am hoping to start writing again soon. But, one of my goals for this year was to get offline and out to meet people. It's happening for me. I am very excited for the future.

Taking a Break

2009-03-15T21:47:00.000-07:00

As you can see I haven't been around much at all lately. I want to apologize to all of you that are always there to support me and give me so much love. I just have a lot going on and no real desire to write about it.

But you can always find me on facebook. And my email. I am there all the time. I will be back sometime just not sure when.

And it's good stuff that's going on. I am getting busy with Alanon. (Thanks Fin) and I am getting really busy. I am going to lots of meetings and talking to alot of people on the phone and afterward. I am going to a conference the first weekend in April with a bunch of ladies and I got in touch with my old sponsor who will be there. This is what I need to be focusing on right now for my mental health.

T. and I went to the Art Guild opening reception on Friday night and it was wonderful. Some of my new friends met up with us there and let me tell you the socializing was a huge boost to me and to T. I think.

I am calling the college tomorrow or going down there. Gotta get on the financial aid stuff.

I took a break from the heavy workout schedule and diet. But I'm holding steady at my weight. I am just trying to not be so obsessive about it. I am doing great. I am feeling great. I am staying busy.

Hope all is well in your world. Love and Blessings to all..

Busy Mornings

2009-03-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

I will have three busy mornings in a row. Woo Hoo! I think maybe part of my sadness lately is not having anything to look forward to in the immediate future. I am working on that.

I will be back in school in less than 6 months so I do have that to look forward to. I have to meet with an advisor really soon. I just need to set up the appointment.

Not much to write about really. It's March. The last time I saw my Dad was in March of last year and I think that's affecting me. I seem to be out of touch with my feelings again. I have been eating unhealthy again and though I haven't gained any weight, my emotional fitness seems to be suffering. I am close to tears a lot more than usual. I miss my Dad.

I also miss my kids and my sister. I don't know when these death anniversaries get any better. I am also really tired of having to handle them on my own. I can't turn to the person I love the most in this world because she is not available to me at all right now. There is all this distance and it is very hurtful and frustrating. When I try to talk about it I get told "It's all in my head". Which doesn't help me with the sanity factor.

I am working on step two. Came to Believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to Sanity. So I've been looking at the insanity in my life. Yes, there are a lot of insane things about it. My own actions have been insane many many times. I know I can't take care of all of this alone. I just don't have the faith I used to in a Higher Power. I just seem to have lost it. I can give it lip service but in my heart it just isn't there.

I am also struggling with my workouts. I do them but it is taking longer and longer to be motivated to do them. I think it's because of all the emotional turmoil I am in.

OK, I need to get moving this morning. I have a lot to do. Hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday..

Realizations

2009-03-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

I had to swallow some hard truths about myself last week. It's kind of knocked me down. But I am not the type to stay down for long.

I thought I should update since I've been neglecting my blog and friends here for more than a few days. I am starting to feel more like myself again.

Today I got up and did my strength training and Tae Bo. I am proud to say I lost another 1/2 pound and I'm only 4.5 pounds from my goal weight. I'm actually in the healthy body fat range for my height finally! Yahoo! My clothes are all fitting rather loose now. That feels amazing. I have worked really hard to get to this point.

I read this in one of my meditation books "Doubt is an unavoidable companion of spiritual seeking. I don't have an instruction book so I must continue to explore and challenge my perceptions".

It always amazes me how my perception can be so opposite to other people's perceptions of any given situation. One of my writing exercises was to write about someone that has had a great influence in my life. I started writing about my mentor Kimbra and how she has helped me in some of the worst times of my life. She always sees things very different than I do. I trust her judgement much more than my own. I have bounced really important life choices off her before making a choice.

My goal is to find that within myself. I know my thinking is muddled with a lot of external things. I am searching for that spiritual calm in myself that guides me in the right direction. I know I have the strength I need. I just have to continue believing in me.

When I am thrown off course I can jump right back on and not spend too much time beating myself up for believing a lie or trusting people that don't deserve my trust. I do know I'm a caring and compassionate person who only wants to see the best in the people I love. I also know I can set really high standards for those in my life. I need to back off.

So I am continuing to build a life for myself today. I will get some more writing done later. I will get out and to the store to buy some more healthy delicious fruit for us and cat food for the babies. I will make a list of the things I want to accomplish this week and then feel proud when I start crossing off the things on my list one by one. It is a new week and a beautiful one. I am making the most of it.

Stoned

2009-03-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not really stoned. But I do have a nice little endorphin rush that is filling me with peace. I really love my Tae Bo workouts. They make me feel yummy.

Yesterday was a little strained for me. I just have this nagging feeling inside that won't go away. I didn't even do any writing. The positive thing was that I went to my meeting and felt peace for the time that I was there.

I do have a lot to be grateful for and I want to focus more on that.

I'm grateful for

1. The beauty that surrounds me here in Havasu.
2. Having the lake so close to enjoy.
3. Finding my Higher Power again.
4. The ability to examine my own character defects and work on releasing them.
5. My sweet loving animals.
6. My new cell phone.
7. My health.
8. Endorphins!
9. Finding Alanon again.
10. Love in all forms.

I am at a loss for words. I feel depression sitting on my shoulder but I refuse to acknowledge it. I just sometimes feel that I make progress and then take two steps backward.

I am searching for the strength inside of me to keep moving forward and not stay in the steps backward that I seemed to take. I hope I can find it again.

2009-03-03T19:18:00.000-08:00

We taped the sunset tonight as it went down over the lake. It was really pretty, like every night. Just thought I'd share it with you. I tried to get myself and T. in the video but it was too dark. Maybe next time. Hope you're having a fine Tuesday night.

Adventures in Writing

2009-03-01T15:10:00.000-08:00

I have challenged myself to do something productive each day. Today this involved studying and writing. I also did the laundry which although mundane is something I enjoy. It comforts me somehow.

But the writing and studying I chose to do was extremely fulfilling. I looked up the word powerless in the dictionary and unmanageable. Then I went through the many books on recovery that I have and read about the first step. I am in a 12 step program of recovery and the first step says "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable."

I am not an alcoholic but I live with one. So I apply this step to my relationship with my partner. I am powerless over what others do. I am powerless over what they think, feel, how they act, what they choose to do with their lives. I am powerless. I can't make decisions for them and I can't make them stop using drugs or alcohol as a crutch.

Sometimes it's like watching a train coming for someone and not being able to push them out of the way even though you know it's going to kill them. But at least if that happens, I know I didn't cause it. (Kind of an extreme example but true for me). No amount of lecturing, crying, screaming, threatening, is going to change someone elses choices. They are people and they have the right to make their own choices.

My life becomes unmanageable when I become obsessed with all of the above.

So I wrote for a little while after reading so many good things and then I stopped working on that exercise. It was kind of depressing for me.

I am reading a book about discovering the writer inside yourself and there were two writing exercises that I did. One was to time yourself and write for 10 minutes on "When I write I...." the other was writing for 5 minutes a letter to the critic inside you.

It was so inspiring to me!! I had no problem with it. I loved it! I had no problem coming up with things to write about up until that timer went off. I believe in myself and my abilities. I know I can write and that's what I have always wanted to do. I just have to DO IT! Made me feel really good by golly :)

So, I just had to write about it here for a minute.

One of my Alanon friends came over and dropped off the key to the clubhouse today. I will be unlocking the door to our beloved meeting on Wednesday. This makes me feel good that I am trusted with the responsibility. I know it may not sound like much but it gives me a sense of pride. And it was good to see my friend today.

Nothing has changed here on the homefront but something did change in me today. I found I was able to continue about my day and even accomplish something great FOR ME! And I am filled with serenity this evening. I am grateful. So grateful.

I am looking forward the this evening with my shows on TV. It is the ending of The Girls Next Door and almost the ending of The L Word. Only one more episode of the L Word after tonight. I have my chocolate and my kleenex ready for the last episode of the Girls Next Door. It's on tonight at 8. So sad for me. I know, I have no life but I love my shows!!!

I will also be trolling the internet a little bit. I wasn't on the computer at all today. So cool. I did my Tae Bo and dinner is cooking in the crockpot. I hope you all had a beautiful Sunday. It was 80 degrees here again today and beautiful with no wind.

So, I'm rambling now and it's time to hush. I will check in with you all soon.. Love and Blessings to all of you.

I'm a Fork tee hee ;)

2009-02-28T16:29:00.000-08:00

You Are a Fork

You are truthful, direct, and straight forward.

People find your honesty to be a bit piercing at times.

You are driven and wildly ambitious.

You know what you want, and you take the most direct path to getting it.

What Utensil Are You?

Things suck here at the moment. But I'm trying to keep myself occupied and not jump into the fire. So far it's working. We shall see...

This Made Me Stop and Think

2009-02-27T08:00:00.000-08:00

How big a deal is this, anyway? If I knew I was going to die in a week, would this be something I would want to spend this minute of my remaining time on?

I belong to sparkpeople and they sent me an email today about emotional eating. I was interested and read it carefully. The article changed to points on de-stressing and putting things in perspective.

How big a deal is this, anyway? If I knew I was going to die in a week, would this be something I would want to spend this minute of my remaining time on?

There is something going on that I can't really blog about anymore but it is enough to throw me into either an obsessive state or depression. If I was dying in a week I would not want to waste any time on this problem. I would definitely want to be living my life and enjoying every moment.

I am so grateful that I was given this little bit of wisdom this morning. After I read it I jumped up off the couch and did my usual workout routine. Then I ate my breakfast. Now I am dressed and ready to go to my Alanon meeting.

I am grateful I have a choice. I can sit and worry or I can get moving and realize that I have no control over other people. I only have my life. I am choosing to do the healthy thing today. I don't want to waste any more time on needless worry.

Just for today I will live for this day only. And I will realize that my higher power is in charge and I am not. I really am not. I can't make things different by worrying or obsessing over them. I can only focus on what really matters.

My life really is a blessing. I have been given this one life and I have wasted a lot of time on things that just weren't important. Not today. It is about 55 degrees out and will probably get up to 80 again. I have so many things I can do outside in the beauty of the weather. I want to take advantage of that and I am.

I hope you all have a glorious Friday too.

Unexpected

2009-02-26T18:14:00.000-08:00

I feel a lot different today than I did yesterday. If you read my last entry and read between the lines you will know what I mean. If you don't then it's not important.

Unexpected changes happen all the time. You try to be prepared for them, or I do anyway.. It still takes me off guard though.

I never did post pictures from Valentines Day. We baked cookies and decorated them and it was a great day full of laughs and love.

The cookies before we frosted them. Some of them were dark around the edges. Also I lost my heart shaped cookie cutter in the move so we just made them round but they were filled with love anyway :)

We didn't have red food coloring for the frosting but we had red jelly beans. I thought if I put them in the microwave and melted them we could dye to frosting red but it didn't work. It just made it kind of orange looking. I thought it was a genius idea anyway ;)

Prada wanted to help with the decorating!! Awwwwwww......

She really just wanted to nibble.

The finished product! We're still eating them. Of course the day wouldn't be complete without Tee doing something silly. She made a perverted cookie just for her.. lol

It was a good day. Good memories. Those are the times that get you through the challenging times right?

I am grateful for

1. My daughter and the love she gives me unconditionally.
2. My friends and their support and love.
3. My Xena Blu and her constant attention.
4. My sister and the close relationship we have today.
5. Having a Higher Power that I can rely on every minute of every day.
6. Being back in Alanon.
7. My laptop and the constant connection it gives me to loved ones.
8. Long baths with a good book.
9. Tae Bo!!!
10. Beautiful Sunsets and the Havasu weather right now.

Tonight 2-26-09

A week? Really???

2009-02-25T07:54:00.000-08:00

I let a week pass me by and didn't write here. Wow. It's been awhile since that's happened I think. How's everything in your worlds?

Mine is freakin' fantastic. I feel amazing. Truly blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I am still busy with my life and it seems that spring is upon us here in Lake Havasu City. Yesterday we worked in the front yard. Well, actually Tee did most of the work because I was not as into it as she was but I did pull some weeds and talk to her.

I know it's dangerous to be so happy because she is sober but I am. I am so happy to have her back I can't even begin to express it. She is feeling good and that makes me feel really good. That said, I am very aware of this slippery slope and I'm building a strong foundation in Alanon for myself so that I can have something to fall back on if she relapses again. It's been two months and I really feel like she is back. It's a beautiful thing to have my best friend back in my life again. I feel like we were separated for so long. So that my friends is why I have been absent from the computer.

I went to an all day workshop on Saturday in Kingman, AZ and it was really a lot of fun. I made some new friends and they are wonderful. They did tell me it's time for me to get out and explore the town since I've been here 6 months. I realize this. I know we have become so safe in this little cocoon we have built and it's time to venture out. So I've been thinking of joining some kind of fitness club, like hiking or kayaking or something. Just thinking about it so far.

I've not lost any more weight but I'm holding steady which is just as good for me. I am still doing Tae Bo 6 days a week and strength training 3 days. My arms are getting so lean and strong and my legs and waist have shrunk considerably. I have also added some walking and light jogging to my routine. Xena is loving it. And the streets are so hilly here that it's a great workout for my hips and legs. I am getting sideaches though. I haven't run in a really long time. I want to start running again. Like real laps around the track.

I can't believe the role nutrition plays in our health. I have had the most horrendous eating habits for most of my life. This journey is an exciting one. Learning that I eat out of emotional distress. That "that time of the month" induces horrible cravings in me. That water is fantastic!!! That taking vitamins is really good for your nails and hair and bones. I really do feel better than I ever have. And I'm almost 42 years old. It's about time.

I haven't been taking many pictures. I need to get some more. We have more work to do on the back yard now. Lots of plants that need tending. All the rain brought many weeds that need pulled too. And the lemon tree should be producing fruit soon. All the birds around us are getting ready to have their babies. It's so fun to watch them.

One of Grandma's best friends came over yesterday to see us and it was good to see her. She loved all the changes Tee has made to the house. She was worried about us because she hasn't heard from us in so long. We made a vow to stay more in touch with her. Sweet lady.

We also are planning a boat trip across the river to have lunch and spend some time. This is a big outing for us. And a step in the right direction. No word on the job front for Tee but the mortgage is covered for March at least. We are taking it one day at a time and it will all work out. No sense in wasting energy on worry. Life is good. All is well.

I hope to be able to get around to all of your blogs soon. I think of you often and hope all is well in your worlds. Hope you have an amazing Wednesday. I am out the door to my Alanon meeting in about 20 minutes. Talk to you soon :)

Blissfully Busy

2009-02-18T17:41:00.000-08:00

Wow, time flies. I have just been busy as all get out. I am loving it too.

We had a fabulous anniversary celebration. We went out to a little steakhouse and had a great, quiet and romantic dinner. It was rainy and quiet and beautiful. We adored each other all day and night and I can never get enough of that. Even after 13 years. It's always a letdown when it's over. But real life is important too.

I am getting really into my Alanon again and that has been wonderful for me. I have made new friends and it has given me the confidence I need to start thinking of being out in the world a little bit more. I've been pretty reclusive for awhile now. Not working has added to that. I am going to an all day workshop on Saturday with some friends from my meeting and I'm really excited about it. It will be the first time since the beginning of November that Tee and I have been apart for more than a couple of hours. It will be good for us.

Tee has another job interview tomorrow and another appointment to get state health coverage. It will be the most she has been out in public for a really long time. Say a prayer for her. It's a big step. I know it doesn't seem like much but like I said, we've been pretty reclusive.

I have been writing again! Working on my book. It feels great and scary at the same time to be finally getting some of this out. I have wanted to write for so long and it looks like my writer's block is getting unblocked :) That's a wonderful thing. My goal is to write every day. I hope I can do it.

Also I lost 3 more pounds last week!! I am only 6 pounds from my first goal. My clothes are getting baggy and that absolutely thrills me. If you've ever been on a weight loss or fitness journey you know how that feels. I can't believe how much energy I have and how good I am feeling. My daughter has lost 15 pounds! I have lost 13 since December. A total of 19 pounds since August of last year.

The TaeBo is just going wonderfully. I am addicted to it. I have been doing 25 to 30 minutes of intense cardio 6 days a week with 5 minutes each warm up and cool down. And 3 days of strength training a week. My calories have actually gone up since I am working out so much so I went from 1300 to 1600 a day. And I'm still losing weight! It blows my mind that I am eating so much and losing. But I am eating much healthier foods. Not denying myself completely though! I still have a sweet snack every day. But instead of 5 cookies I'll eat one. And it's working! Woo Hoo!!! I'll have to post before and after pictures someday.

OK, I need to sign off for now. Hope you are all doing well. Can you believe it's already the 18th of February? This month will be over before we know it...

February 16, 2009

2009-02-16T08:27:00.000-08:00

It's our anniversary today. 13 years ago we met and it was electric and still is. I wish I could put it into words but I can't really. This picture was from back in those days.

So much has changed and we are different people now. But that love is still there. It's never died.

And no matter what happens, the bond we have will still be there. There's just too much history.

We may not have a wedding anniversary to celebrate but we do celebrate the day we met. It is no less of an anniversary. We may not be acknowledged by the law but we are by our family and friends and that is something.

I am grateful to have such love in my life. No, it's not perfect but it has endured. And we have another year that we made it through.

I think this year will be better. It will not be another year we have to "endure".. It will be a calm and loving one.

Today we will reminisce and make future plans and just celebrate our love. It has always been a special day for us. Today is no exception.

I hope you all have a beautiful day. It's gray and cloudy outside here today but in our hearts it will be sunny and bright... We're living in the moment.

Friday the 13th

2009-02-13T05:32:00.000-08:00

I woke up early this morning and I'm so glad I did. I have a lot to do today. Well, not a lot by my old standards but a few things nonetheless. I will do my regular workout and then shower and get ready for my meeting. Then I am going shopping for our anniversary and groceries. I'm not sure what I'm getting Tee yet but it will be fun looking for something. I still can't believe it's been 13 years since we met. Neither of us thought it would last that long. I'm grateful it has.

This picture is of Tee's Grandma. Isn't it lovely? It's another one of my favorites. She always looked so fashionable in her pictures. I just love the boots and the jacket. The winter scene is also pretty. She was from New Jersey. I wonder what she thought of California when she first moved there? Such a different climate.

I got a haircut yesterday! This is a big deal for me because I am always the last person on my list when it comes to doing things for people. I never do nice things for me. I have decided to do something for myself each week. To reward myself for all the hard work I'm doing working on my fitness and health. I have been eating better than I ever have in my whole life. I also lost another pound! I actually discovered I wasn't eating enough to compensate for the hard workouts I'm putting my body through. Who would have thought that eating more calories would help the weight loss start up again? Now I'm only 8 pounds from my goal weight!

I am doing Tae Bo which is really amazing. I saw results after my first two workouts. I love it. It really kicks my butt. I recommend it to anyone that wants to see fast results and get a really good hard cardio workout. It also incorporates some strength training for your abs and legs and butt too. I will be getting into that bathing suit with no shame this summer. I'm confident of that.

Of course I'm eating a lot less processed foods and more whole grains and fruits and vegetables. That has made a big difference. I'm proud of me. So I got my haircut. It's pretty cute I think, a little shorter than I really wanted but it will grow.

It's still pretty cold and we are supposed to get more rain. The city is working on a sewer system and of course they started on the main street in front of our house. It was a muddy mess but yesterday they started putting the pavement back. I hope they finish up soon so Xena and I can resume our long walks down that street. I know she's missing the exercise and I'm just missing getting out there.

It's Friday the 13th! I'm not superstitious about it but a lot of people are. Tomorrow is Valentines Day and Tee and I are baking Sugar Cookies. Heart shaped and frosted. I used to do this with my kids when they were little and we thought it would be fun to do together. I'll be making a much smaller batch but we're going to do it together. We have no big plans for V Day since our anniversary is Monday. But it's nice to just be together and do something fun.

OK, I have nothing much else to say. Hope everyone is having a beautiful morning and that today brings you nothing but good luck.

Lovey Dovey

2009-02-12T10:31:00.000-08:00

That's Tee's Grandma and her Mom way back in the late 40's I believe. Her Grandma was a beautiful woman. It is really wonderful that she has so many pictures of them. I don't have any of my Mom as a little girl.

Times sure have changed. Now we have digital cameras and can send people pictures instantly. We can watch events unfold online and there is no waiting involved. It is no wonder we have created a whole generation of kids that expect instant gratification. They really don't know how to wait anymore.

I don't have much patience but I'm learning. I am learning to accept what the Universe puts in my path. I know that everything that happens in my world is for a reason. Even the bad things.

Life is so short. And so unpredictable. I used to hear people say those things and never quite understood them but I think I do now.

I tell people I love them all the time now. I don't ever want my loved ones to question my love for them. I make more of an effort to keep in touch with people now. To send cards (the old fashioned snail mail kind) and pictures. I am getting better with the phone calls but still don't like the phone too much.

I love Valentines Day. I always send out lots of valentines to the ones I love. My kids look forward to it. It's a tradition my Mom started with us kids. I will continue until I can't anymore. I even mail a card to Tee. Even though we live together.. lol

Just feeling all lovey dovey right now. I really love all of my friends here too. I hope you all know that. You are an important part of my world.

Have a beautiful day..

Snow on Mohave Mountains!!

2009-02-11T08:23:00.001-08:00

Snow, ice cause standstill
Road closure forces motorists to spend night on I-40

By Jayne Hanson
Tuesday, February 10, 2009 10:44 PM MST

Hundreds of motorists were stranded overnight at the intersection of Interstate 40 and State Route 95 because an unusual road closure caused by snow and ice creating impassable conditions through late Tuesday morning.

“This is the worst snow storm that DPS has ever had to deal with in northern Arizona,” said Commander Dean Nyhart, Arizona Department of Public Safety Northern Bureau Highway Division.

Arizona DPS reported northern counties of Arizona received more heavy snow Monday night and early Tuesday, causing roads to become very icy and slippery.

“High winds were creating dangerous icy roads and white-out conditions for 30 minutes to an hour at times, and that brings traffic to a stand still,” said Arizona DPS Lt. James W. Warriner.

Arizona Department of Safety reported Tuesday morning eastbound Interstate 40 was closed from milepost 9 and milepost 72, an area that includes the State Route 95 intersection at Pilot. The interstate was closed at about 8:30 p.m. Monday and re-opened at about 11:30 a.m. Tuesday, according to Warriner and some of the stranded motorists.

Rigs of all shapes and sizes were near gridlock at the two service stations located in the immediate area of the high-traffic intersection. Parked in organized disarray, tractor-trailers, trucks, cars and RVs were lined up along the edges of SR95 and tightly packed in the available parking spaces of the Pilot and Chevron service stations. The overflow of stranded vehicles was directed into open dirt areas east of the Chevron service station located both north and south of SR95.

“I don’t remember this happening before, I guess the problem is between here and Kingman,” said stranded motorist Mike Manion of Lake Havasu City. Manion arrived at the I-40/SR95 intersection at 7 a.m. Tuesday morning to learn he was stuck waiting along with many others. “I am supposed to be picking someone up from the airport in Prescott right now. We’ll just have to play it by ear,” Manion said.

The I-40 road closure in that particular area was unusual, as it has not been closed for many years.

“It has been at least eight years since the last closing in that area. It definitely is unusual to close that portion of roadway,” said Michele Beggs, public information officer for Arizona Department of Transportation’s Kingman District. Beggs report of the last known closure of the portion of I-40 affected Tuesday was based on records provided by ADOT Kingman District’s maintenance department.

Truck drivers stranded at the Chevron service station told the Today’s News-Herald the road closure is just normal activity in the transport industry.

“We’ve been here since 9 p.m. last night (Monday). It’s been closed down since about 8:30 p.m. last night (Monday),” said Jackey Wilson, of Northern Neck Transfer trucking company, and a 33-year veteran of the truck-driving business.

“What can you do? I mean, safety first, really. I heard there were 22 trucks that slid off the road yesterday,” said George LeBron, Jr., Wilson’s team truck driver for NNT.

FedEx International truck driver Danny Darho said he and his team driver arrived at midnight (Tuesday) only to be directed to park their rig and wait for the roadway to re-open. Darho said he had been talking to other drivers to pass the time and was just about to settle down with a morning newspaper.

The storm system that swept the area Monday into early Tuesday resulted in a collective precipitation amount of .62 of an inch in the Lake Havasu City area, reported by four nearby weather reporting stations. The stations’ locations are Desert Hills, which reported .20; Lake Havasu City .19; Ram Peak .07; and Horizon Six .16 of precipitation.

According to Accuweather.com, Lake Havasu City residents can expect mostly sunny skies with daytime temperatures reaching 65 degrees today, Thursday and Friday.

Partly cloudy conditions with temperatures in the lower 40’s are in store for tonight and Thursday nights.

Friday night is expected to be mostly cloudy with expected rain showers.

Showers are possible Saturday morning with daytime temperatures reaching 64 degrees accompanied by periods of clouds and sunshine. Saturday night will be chilly with temperatures in the low 40’s and considerably cloudiness.

Sunday is expected to be cloudy and breezy with a chance of rain. Daytime temperatures will reach 63 degrees. Sunday night is expected to be chilly and rainy with lows of 45 degrees.

More rain is expected in the Lake Havasu City area Tuesday and possibly Wednesday next week.

You may contact the reporter at jhanson@hanson.com.

This Was Fun

2009-02-10T07:01:00.000-08:00

I made videos yesterday of the rainstorm we had. It was fun but some of it is really dark. You can kind of get an idea where we live though. And you can hear me in them. They are only one minute each, my camera doesn't take longer videos than that.

Enjoy :)

The Bedroom Post

2009-02-09T18:00:00.001-08:00

Kate had a wonderful idea of us all posting pics of our bedrooms. This is where I am sleeping these days.. I miss my old bedroom but this one is beautiful too. Actually everywhere we have lived has been beautiful. Tee is really the best decorator.

I love the Arcadia doors we have. They are right behind those plants. They lead onto the back patio and out to the pool. You can also see the sun setting over the mountains through the doors when the blinds are open. It's pretty incredible.

Our bedroom is our sanctuary. Every night we look forward to retiring for the day and just chillin' (as my son would say).. It's my favorite part of the whole house. Too bad the bathroom doesn't have a tub. Then it would be perfect. There is a walk in shower but the water pressure is horrible so we don't use it. Ever.... It's just for show.. lol

Hope you all are having a lovely Monday evening :)

Dependability and Lists

2009-02-09T06:18:00.000-08:00

This morning, after I woke up I went outside for a moment so the dog could do her business and looked out at the lake. The moon was still shining proudly over the mountains as the sun came up in the other direction. I've never experienced this before.

There are still many clouds in the sky but they are fading. It's cold and windy today. Cold to us is not cold to many others but it's still cold. It's below 50 degrees. I pulled my robe tighter around me and smiled at the moon. So beautiful, so powerful and so full..

I couldn't help but think of the moon and how much I love to feel the power of the moon. So dependable, always rising and changing without my having to do anything. It just is. There have not been many things or people in my life that have been as dependable.

I always prided myself on being dependable at work. I was at my last position for 8 years and only called in sick twice. I was always there. If my staff called in I was there to replace them. If anyone needed anything I was there. It is just my nature to be this way.

Creature of habit. That would be me. I like things to stay the same and I don't like surprises. I like to have a plan and for everything else to follow that plan. Life just isn't that way. In my love relationships I seem to choose people that go with the flow, that are more spontaneous than I am.

This is the first time in my adult life I don't have a plan. Oh, I have a tentative plan in the background, I am going back to school in August but as for the months in between there is nothing. I do have Alanon. I took the treasurer position for my Wednesday meeting so I have to be there every Wednesday morning without fail. I have been exercising 6 days a week and I force myself to do it. I am entering every calorie I eat into my nutrition journal and I do that faithfully. That's my big agenda for my life right now.

But what of everything in between? I just kind of let my days happen to me. I miss having a plan. I know we have things we have to get done but I haven't been taking many action steps to make them happen.

I was thinking of making a list each night of the things I want to accomplish the next day. That could work. If I could think of things to put on the list. Small goals to get done each day.

I am a little bit stuck in a rut. I am committed to taking charge of my destiny today and not just letting life happen to me. I am off to make that list now..

Rainy Day Pics

2009-02-08T08:35:00.000-08:00

Wow, it rained all day yesterday and it continues this morning. I thought it was finished but it's persistent. I just stepped outside and the rain still falls and covers everything with it's cleansing body. Yesterday I drove in hopes of capturing some of the rare rain with my camera. I ended up snapping a few shots through my windshield instead. It was kinda fun watching the cars next to me laughing at me taking pictures like a tourist. Lake Havasu City rarely looks like this. It is a welcome change. In a month we will all be pulling weeds I'm sure.

Coming up the hill to our house. You can see the clouds covering the sky. It's definitely filled me with that old familiar melancholic blood. I know it's always lurking and the rain can bring that out full force. I could never live in a state like Washington where it rains so much. Or Alaska where it's dusk all day and night sometimes. I need the sunshine like I need food and water. It feeds me.

It is a blessing to have such a beautiful view surrounding us. We can see the lake clearly from the front and back of the house. I don't take it for granted. I love to sit and watch the changes through the window. Even from my spot on the couch with my laptop I can see clearly outside. I don't even have to wear my contacts anymore. My eyes have been healed and I can see it all clear as day now. And though most of my own personal things are packed in the garage, what is left is a part of me here too. T's pictures of Jimmy on the walls and the gargoyles watching over us protectively have become a part of my history and my world.

Prada was content to stare at the Roadrunner for hours. The Roadrunner was persistent in pecking the window in hopes that the nice Lion would feed her some meatballs. This old bird has been a part of this household for years. T. has continued on with the tradition that Grandma left here when she died. It makes me smile to see her being so loving when at first glance she looks so mean and scary. Most people would never think she could be such a sweet spirit. But I wouldn't still be here if that part of her didn't exist.

Today we will watch some more TV, maybe catch Peyton Manning at the Pro Bowl. I'm not sure we're up to football though after last weeks loss. I think I'll whip up some Queso (Velveeta and Ro-tel) to dip our corn chips into. Blow my diet after working so hard all week. Naw, I'll eat in moderation. And for dinner we will warm up some of the delicious chili I made last night.

We'll finish off the night watching The Girls Next Door (double episodes woot!) and The L Word. Snuggle in bed like we did last night and just enjoy each other. Life feels so beautiful right now, despite the melancholy knocking on my door. I can't help but feel a sense of dread just waiting... waiting.....

I hope I can keep it at bay awhile longer...

Can't Think of a Title

2009-02-07T06:56:00.001-08:00

Do you think of a title for your post before you write it or after? I try to come up with one before but it's been hard for me to do that this morning. Sometimes I just sit and don't write because I'm busy thinking of a title.

This picture is my daughter and I in August of 1988. I was so skinny! I wish I could get that thin again but it's not gonna happen. I won't tell you what I was doing to be that skinny.. It was bad. I'll never go that route again :) I was 21 years young here and having a fabulous time with all the friends and parties and life. But I wouldn't go back there for anything. I'll just stay here thank you very much.

I scanned about 50 or 60 pictures yesterday. I looked at hundreds.. We have a lot of pictures and quite frankly I don't know what I'm going to do with all of them. Some are really fading. It's sad. I found pictures of my Mom I had forgotten about. I can't wait to scan and share them with my family. I have a few picked out to get duplicated and put in frames for presents. That's my favorite kind of present.

I'm still not wanting to blog much. I'm on facebook a lot lately. I was so surprised to get a message from an old best friend that I haven't talked to in about 13 years! We got on the phone and talked for over an hour two days ago. I have missed her a lot through the years and have been thinking of her for about a month. Then she found me!! It's very cool to be in touch after all this time. We have quite a history. I pointed her in this direction so she'll be reading my blog too. It's really exciting.

I've missed all of you and you may have noticed me popping in and commenting again finally. I am hoping to get back on here at least an hour a day. Life is surprisingly busy right now and it's a really good thing.

No new news really, we are finally having the estate sale we have needed to have for so long. In two weeks. So we're getting ready for that. Hopefully we make lots of $$. We found an old video of Tee's Grandparents from when they first built this house and were settling and all the furniture was in exactly the same place as when Grandma died! That was 20something years ago too. It's time to sell it all and get our own stuff.

My weight loss and fitness journey continues. I gained a pound at my weigh in this past Wednesday, depressing! But today I'm down again. I have been really cutting my carbs lately and it seems to be helping. Plus I'm still working out 6 days a week. I wish my body was like it was back in my 20's and 30's. I had no problem dropping weight. All I have left is about 9 pounds and it just keeps hanging on for dear life!

Hope you are all having a great weekend. It's just beginning for me. 8:00 am on Saturday morning and all is quiet and well.. Happy Saturday everyone.

It's Tuesday Again...

2009-02-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

It seems like the days are just flying right by... I am enjoying it though. Today I worked out like usual but I have been switching up my workouts. I tried Tae Bo and it kicked my ass! I really feel good about this workout though.

My weight is fluctuating again, due to eating way too much sodium. I can't seem to give up the salt. It's annoying. But the cool thing is my body is really changing even though the scale isn't reflecting it much lately. My clothes fit better and I look really good. I tried on some shorts I bought last summer that didn't fit and they fit perfectly now :) I just want to stay right here and be complacent but I won't. I'm sure I'll push myself to lose another 10 pounds or so.

Not much to write about in here. I just don't feel like blogging. I am really happy and I tend to write more when things are bad. Things are really wonderful. I am still going to my meetings and I am even treasurer for one meeting.

T. and I will be celebrating our 13 year anniversary on February 16. 13 years!!! And we almost didn't make it. I am so glad we did. It's been such a rough year (again) but this year will be better. Things are definitely on the upswing.

We won't be going to Laughlin like last year but we'll have fun anyway. We always have wonderful anniversaries. I still have to go shopping for T's present. Maybe this week. I have the perfect gift in mind.

I think we sold a really big piece of furniture on Craigslist, the China Cabinet. It's a Hibriten original and worth a lot of money. Happy that it seems to have sold.

Not much else happening. The Cardinals lost and we were very sad. I'm just happy our boys fought to the very end. They did not give up and they deserved to be there. It was fantastic. But also heartbreaking.. I'm glad football is over. Next year will be even better.

Hopefully I can get back here and read your journals today, if not I'll be back tomorrow. Have a great Tuesday :)

Superbowl Sunday ~Hot and Creamy New Recipe

2009-02-01T09:27:00.000-08:00

I'm trying this out today. It sounds delicious and it's low calorie if you eat it in moderation :) I'll try to do that but it will be difficult

Hot and Creamy Spinach and Artichoke Dip

Ingredients

16 oz Daisy Lite sour cream
8 oz pkg. Great Value 1/3 less fat than cream cheese (neufchatel), softened
3 TB butter (not lite, it won't taste right)
1 can artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
(I like Roland brand at Walmart) NOT MARINATED ONES!!!
10 oz pkg. frozen, chopped spinach, defrosted and squeezed dry (don't go insane trying to get all the water out, its not that big of a deal)
8 servings of reduced fat parmesan style topping (Kraft)

Nutritional Info

Fat: 4.3g
Carbohydrates: 3.1g
Calories:60.9
Protein: 2.3g

Melt your butter in a saucepan. Add drained and chopped artichoke hearts and spinach and cook for about 5 minutes stirring frequently.

Add cream cheese, sour cream, and Parmesan. Mix well. Add garlic salt to taste. Reduce heat and stir occasionally until heated through and thickened. Remove from heat. Serve warm with tortilla chips.

2 TB= 1 serving

I am guess-timating here on the amount of serving sizes. You will probably eat more than 2 TB, its really good!!! Make a double batch and keep warm in your crockpot for a crowd!!

Number of Servings: 30

Recipe submitted by SparkPeople user KATSAMCAMSMOM.

GO CARDINALS GO CARDINALS GO CARDINALS GO CARDINALS GO CARDINALS GO CARDINALS

A Beautiful Story ~Read to the end!!

2009-01-31T14:36:00.000-08:00

I found this story from a lady online. It made me cry and I just had to share it with you. Whether or not you are watching the Superbowl tomorrow, you should get in the spirit by reading the following:

In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busily working when a new voice
came over the loud speaker asking for a carry out at register 4. Kurtis was
almost finished, and wanted to get some fresh air, and decided to answer the
call. As he approached the check-out stand a distant smile caught his eye,
the new check-out girl was beautiful. She was an older woman (maybe 26, and he was only 22) and he fell in love.

Later that day, after his shift was over, he waited by the punch clock to find out her name. She came into the break room, smiled softly at him, took her card and punched out, then left. He looked at her card, BRENDA. He walked out only to see her start walking up the road. Next day, he waited outside as she left
the supermarket, and offered her a ride home. He looked harmless enough, and she accepted. When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could see her again, outside of work. She simply said it wasn't possible.

He pressed and she explained she had two children and she couldn't afford a
baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the baby-sitter. Reluctantly she
accepted his offer for a date for the following Saturday. That Saturday night he
arrived at her door only to have her tell him that she was unable to go with him. The baby-sitter had called and canceled. To which Kurtis simply said, "Well, let's take the kids with us."

She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option, but again
not taking no for an answer, he pressed. Finally Brenda, brought him inside to
meet her children. She had an older daughter who was just as cute as a bug,
Kurtis thought, then Brenda brought out her son, in a wheelchair. He was born a paraplegic with Down Syndrome.

Kurtis asked Brenda, "I still don't understand why the kids can't
come with us?" Brenda was amazed. Most men would run away from a woman
with two kids, especially if one had disabilities - just like her first
husband and father of her children had done. Kurtis was not ordinary
- - - he had a different mindset.

That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to dinner and the
movies. When her son needed anything Kurtis would take care of him. When he
needed to use the restroom, he picked him up out of his wheelchair, took him
and brought him back. The kids loved Kurtis. At the end of the evening, Brenda
knew this was the man she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life
with.

A year later, they were married and Kurtis adopted both of her children.
Since then they have added two more kids.

So what happened to Kurtis the stock boy and Brenda the check-out girl?
Well, Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona , where he is currently employed as the quarterback of the National Football League Arizona Cardinals and has his Cardinals in the hunt for a Super Bowl win. Is this a surprise ending or could you have guessed that he was not an ordinary person.

It should be noted that he also quarter backed the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI.

He has also been the NLF's Most Valuable Player twice and the Super Bowl's
Most Valuable Player.

AND THE REST OF THE STORY:

Today at church our minister mentioned that when Kurt, his wife and 7
children go out to eat he has one of his children pick out a family
eating at the restaurant. Kurt then tells the wait staff he is
picking up the tab for that family's dinner anonimously. He remembers the
days he was working nights in the grocery store and feeding his family
on food stamps.

**It makes it kind of hard to not Root For the AZ CARDINALS doesn't It??
How many quarterbacks are that special and have that much heart?

GO CARDINALS GO CARDINALS GO CARDINALS GO CARDINALS GO CARDINALS GO CARDINALS

Perspective ~Balance and Imbalance

2009-01-31T09:20:00.000-08:00

I'm a bad blogger lately. I've been really busy and it doesn't involve work really, I've been busy being present in the moment.

Sometimes for me the internet is a big escape from real life. I'm sure I've talked about that before. Getting caught up in all the socializing, reading and commenting can take me away from what's really important. I have been spending a lot of time with Tee, engaging in conversation and enjoying the time together.

I think all the problems we have had have been a culmination of many things. My escaping has not helped.

I learned to escape when I was a child in an alcoholic environment. I started reading and writing as a form of escape and it is as natural to me as breathing. I go into my own world and nobody else exists. In fact my sister refers to me as the bookworm and always did when we were kids. She remembers me in the corner with my nose in a book. That was me. That is still me.

I also did this with work. It was my escape from the problems in my relationship(s).

I don't have a job right now so the computer suffices. I will spend as many as 10 hours online with breaks for cooking and cleaning the kitchen and hygiene. Before I get on the computer I will do my daily workouts of course. Once in awhile I'll glance up at the television but not too often while I am on my laptop.

I think this is a problem for me. I go to my meetings twice a week and of course I'll go grocery shopping and do any errands that need to be done but that amounts to a handful of hours during the week.

As with anything I need to "use" in moderation. I am trying to cut back my online time and engage in real life activities as one of my goals this year. I have started this week. I'm not perfect and I don't expect to be but I have been able to scale back a lot this week.

Of course I don't know much about balance. I tend to go to extremes. Turning off the computer for days and not even checking my emails! This is not good for me either, there are friendships I need to nurture and relationships that are important to me and my future. I am just trying to find a happy balance.

I don't know what this looks like but I think it will come down to some kind of schedule where I am blogging and reading blogs and commenting for X amount of hours or minutes daily and scheduling the rest of my day accordingly.

So for awhile I will be trying to bring this all into some kind of balance. I can report happily that T. and I are talking a lot more and things are great between us right now. I know we have a lot of making up to do because we have been distant from each other for awhile now. We have some issues that may never go away but we have some good things between us too.

She was very hurt by my constant complaining and writing about her problems. I will not be doing that anymore. My problems are big enough and I don't need to be focusing so much on her mistakes and issues. I never wrote with the intent of hurting her but it did hurt her. She is happy that most of those entries were lost in cyberspace. I'm sad about it but think the universe balances things in our lives in ways we may never understand. I just accept it.

If I never learn from my mistakes I will not become a different person and 2009 will be a year of major growth for me. I live with someone that I love very much. I am in it for the long haul. I am not perfect and neither is she. Life gets the best of us sometimes. But I believe our love will just get stronger the more we stick it out.

I'm just trying to put it into words. All these things that are on my mind. I am searching for balance in all areas of my life. I will still be around. I love reading all of you and keeping in touch. I just have to stay in touch with the people in my life I can really touch physically too.

Love and Blessings to all of you.

From January 2004, 2007, 2008,

2009-01-30T13:45:00.000-08:00

Too Early--Too Cold
posted 01/27/04
[ my mood: sleepy ]
It's cold here today! Only 40 degrees right now. I'm actually cold, feels weird. I am so tired today. I'm worried about a few situations in my life. Obsessed I guess. So my sleep has been restless. Glad I work today.

I feel tension between the lover and me. I think we're going to end up in a big fight soon. I don't know why, or what for but I can feel it building. She is very moody. Worse than me. And I am the water sign Cancer too! WTF!

I don't know, it's just something you learn when you've been with someone awhile, to read them. She's been on my ass about a few things lately. And last night I just wanted alone time to read and she pouted about it. When all is well between us she does her own thing too. But she has been kind of standoffish lately too.

I hate fighting. I try to be nice and she just cuts me off. It's coming, I can feel it.

Return...

blank square
From deleted_member on 01/27/04

sometimes a bunch of little things just build and explode in one big fight....i can feel them coming on too. good luck.

____________________________________________________________________________________
My Exciting Friday Night
posted 01/05/07
[ my mood: happy ]
I just had a very productive Friday Night. And to me that feels better than sex at the moment. Well, maybe not that good but after being sick all week it was AWESOME to have some energy. I didn't feel 100% today but then Tee called me at work and I went into my office and closed the door and we sweet talked each other and I swear I felt better. I have missed her soooo much. She is off from tomorrow through Wednesday and all I can say is Yay!! for sexy grown up alone time. I do have to make some time to go to my Alanon district meeting tomorrow and take my daughter some food (she has none) but other than that our weekend is going to be fabulous. I have never appreciated it this much!! Except maybe when the kids were little and went to Grandma's for the weekend.

Anyway, I did laundry! I have to say I have always been pretty controlling of the laundry. I have to have it done just so. It's one of my weird things. I spend a lot of time sorting it just right. When the kids were little they would help. We would have mountains of it and I would really get mad when they would put clean clothes in the dirty laundry. Stuff I KNEW they hadn't worn. My ex girlfriend had two girls and doing laundry for 4 kids and two adults in the snow, trudging up a hill to the tiny laundry facilities of our mobile home park was no mean feat. But I wouldn't let them help. It was my quiet time. I still kind of feel that way. I'm just weird, but something about the smell of laundry in the dryer and in the car on the way home soothes me. And then when I put it all away and every thing in the house is clean at the same time, it makes me feel like my life is in order.

Plus I love washing and drying and taking care of Tee's things too. It makes me smile to think of the sexy times we have had wearing some of our things. And I love to look at my sexy nighties hanging on my satin covered hangers all clean and good smelling. OK, so I'm a LOT weird.

It still amazes me though, that you can have this much laundry in piles

And then when you get it home it is all neat and tidy and a lot smaller

So, now that the laundry is done I have to tell you all that I came home and started cleaning. I got out my windex bottle and my rag and went to town on the bathroom sinks, then dusted the living room and cleaned the mirrors. Then I did the dishes and polished the counters and cleaned the tables. Now I am finally sitting down, I just finished leftovers from two days ago and I've got steak thawing for tomorrow nights feast.

Tomorrow we have the Football Playoffs and My Indy Colts are facing Kansas City and we are going to whoop their asses!!

I washed my jersey and some of the stains did not come out! I am so pissed. I don't know what to use but it sat for a year because I didn't realize it was stained until I put it on this year. So I don't know if it will ever come out.

OK I was pretty long winded but I'm feeling Fantastic!!! It's good to feel alive again. Have a great Weekend Everyone and GO COLTS!!!!!!!!!

Return...

Country-Girl
From Country-Girl on 01/05/07

I am so glad you will get some sweetie time- YAY! Glad you are feeling better too! Wanna come and do my laundry? ;-) Hubby is in charge of the laundry here. He hates that I don't sort the clothes. I always thought it was a Military thing, all the order and such! Not my style! I should have been a hippie! Lol.

Thank you so much for suggesting the photo post! I really loved doing it and it made me feel really good! Your comment made me cry, but not the sad tears, ya know? You are such an awesome friend!!!!!! Thank you again for everything!!

Love ya! Take care and have lots of sexy time for me!!!
gillardia
From gillardia on 01/05/07

I'm glad you're feeling better!

Gill

_____________________________________________________________________________________

What did I do?
posted 01/28/08
[ my mood: angry ]
I just filed my taxes and claimed my son as a dependent. He is 18 and his Dad kicked him out last January when he was only 17.

He really lived with neither of us for very long, but I definitely supported him more than my ex husband. He didn't even pay for health insurance for him.

He is going to be really pissed and I'm glad. This anger has been building for a long time and I want to tell him to fuck off and die really badly. So this is my opportunity.

And I just watched George Bush talking out of his ass tonight on TV so I am double pissed.

So take that Mr Ex husband, you are getting fucked by me in the way I have always wanted and you cannot do anything about it. You threw him out and didn't care. I have paid more for his care and well being in the past two months then you did all last year. You wanna fight, try me. You will lose.

Anyway, I would have owed $1,400 if I hadn't claimed him. I do not want to pay anymore to the feds than I have to. I only owe them $200 now. My ex cannot win. He is a drunk anyway, he may get his ugly white trash wife to try and fight for him but good luck. It won't work.

Anyway, just venting. I'm just pissed about the Presidential address. But I won't go on about that anymore. I'm done. Gonna take a bath and go to bed...

Toodles.

Return...

Westy
From Westy on 01/28/08

good for you!

I just realised I missed a few entries! love the pictures, just wish I had more time to read the whole entries, darn!
greeneyes67
From greeneyes67 on 01/28/08

Thanks Westy... I think I did the right thing.
hellion798
From hellion798 on 01/28/08

I think you did the right thing, too.
*********HUGS********
RythmicBoi
From RythmicBoi on 01/29/08

GOod, you reserve the right to be pissed off at dead beat ex fuck-nut bastard of a husband.

~Bree
Netmale
From Netmale on 01/29/08

Bree took my comment :-)
TheLubeFaerie
From TheLubeFaerie on 01/29/08

It pisses me off just thinking about the fact that my ex will claim our son and he is a deadbeat who pays his support maybe once a month. I cannot even watch the addresses without wanting to be sick, so I don't bother.
chasing3rain
From chasing3rain on 01/29/08

My mom still claims my brother and I, since she pays for our health insurance, car insurance and other stuff when we need her to.

I skipped the President's SOTU.

Tell me how wonderful I am!

Busy Busy

2009-01-29T08:08:00.001-08:00

I haven't been able to get around to people's blogs like I usually do. Sorry about that. It's not that I don't think of you guys, I do. We are just busy with life.

We have so much jewelry to sort through and sell. It's a big job. Grandma didn't have junk jewelry. It is all worth something. So we are getting pictures and prices ready.

We have the house full of furniture too. Tee keeps telling me when she sells enough of it I'll be able to move my massive bookcase in here with all my beloved books. You would think that would motivate me to get all this stuff posted for sale but it's a pain in the arse. Sometimes she thinks she should get retail price for things. Not gonna happen. But sometimes my opinion means nothing. Frustrating...

We watched a couple of movies last night. "Away From Her" on Showtime. It was really sad. A woman struggling with alzheimers and her husband of 44 years make the decision for her to be put in a home. He has to let go of her and she is the love of his life. I cannot imagine going through this. We cried as we watched it. It was one of those movies that you really shouldn't watch when you are in emotional PMS. Depressing.

But then we watched "Skinwalkers" which was a werewolf movie and sexy as hell. I loved it. We both were surprised it was as good as it was. There were good werewolves and bad ones. And they were all very attractive. My kind of movie. Kind of like Interview with a Vampire but more low budget. Great and surprising ending. Loved it. No more tears :)

Had a hard time sleeping last night. My legs were aching a lot. The workouts are strengthening my muscles but they hurt at night. Took some ibuprofen and it helped a bit. I am slacking this morning. I am only due for 40 minutes of cardio but I'm just not feeling it today. I may just take the day off and make up for it. Or I may just workout later today and switch it up a bit. I can do that..

Off to the grocery later. We are out of cat food and our spoiled cats are having none of that. They always have dry food but the wet food is their twice a day treat and they are on a tight schedule. They start warning us a half hour before feeding time. You can't ignore them that's for sure.

OK, enough with the rambling. I need to get off this couch. Hope you all have a lovely Thursday. I'm sure I will. I have plenty to keep me busy.

It's almost February. I think it's my favorite month of the year. No death anniversaries. Just LOVE anniversaries :)

Early Morning Today

2009-01-28T05:18:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 5:15 am this morning. I don't know why. That's the second time I've done that in a week. I usually try to go back to sleep when I do that but I couldn't. It's no biggie, I will just be working out earlier and then going to me meeting as usual after breakfast.

My workouts are going fantastic. I lost another 1 1/2 pounds! I am only 9 pounds away from my goal now. I think I need to post a picture of me. The weight loss is very noticeable. I can fit into some jeans I couldn't wear for about 2 years. I'm proud of myself. I have been really watching my carbs too. It's hard for me to do because I love bread so much. But I've upped my protein. I'm also watching the sodium and I've noticed that little water weight gain has gone down tremendously.

Tee went for her job interview (she scheduled it online) and they told her they were doing no hiring. Just layoffs. So they will keep her application on file. It's all good, the right job will be put in her path. She is just doing the footwork. It's hard for her not to panic. For some reason I feel completely calm about things. I am usually the one to worry and freak out over money but I just feel like it will all work out.

Emotionally I was always the one who did all the leaning. Lately I feel much more balanced emotionally. I am continuing with my Alanon meetings and with watching my diet I really feel it's helping tremendously. I was always a sugar binge kind of gal. Now that I've pretty much removed white sugar from my diet I am on a much more even keel. Just steady.. No ups and downs. At least not every day anyway.. lol

I am in PMS right now so I ate a few gummy bears last night and a candy cane. I still have them left from Christmas. They tasted really good and I feel fine this morning. Usually I'm groggy after too much sugar. Maybe because I'm not doing it all the time now? Anyway I'm grateful.

Today is my official weigh in day and I was excited to see I went down again. I am working out 6 days a week now. This is only the second week of that, I hope I can continue. I want to get off this last 9 pounds in about 2 months. If it comes off faster I won't complain but I have to maintain this way of life now so it doesn't come back. That's a little scary.

I filed my taxes and I'm not getting as much money as I expected but it's all good. I am grateful to be getting a refund at all. I've owed the IRS for the past 5 years or so. It's wonderful to be getting money from them for a change.

This weekend is the superbowl! I can't wait. We have no big plans but I'm looking for some good recipes. GO CARDINALS!

That's it for now. Hope you all are having a great week so far. I'm off to work out and eat breakfast. I'll try to stop by and read you all later this afternoon...

Rock of Love Bus ~Remember When VH1 Had Music On?

2009-01-26T17:34:00.000-08:00

Oh My Gawd! Tee is so hooked on this show, she loves to laugh at it. I am apalled at these women. They look like tranny hookers! Seriously. What the heck is wrong with Bret Michaels anyway? I mean I know he's a washed up old Wanna Be Rock Star 80's glam rocker but Jeebus!

Is he seriously this hard up? I can't even imagine being on a show like this and then having people I know watch it. What is wrong with VH1 anyway? Whatever happened to the music? Now you have to watch VH1 Classic just to see music.

And back to the tranny girls. Actually tranny is not a cool thing to call them. It gives real transvestites, the hot ones a bad name. These girls are skanky with a capital "S".. And stupid! They couldn't talk their way out of a paper bag. I can't get over how poor their grammar is. And how dumb they are. They are all about stroking this guy and you can tell they just want to be on the show for the "fame"..

And what about the people that actually follow these girls? That think they are celebrities or something? I don't get it.

I don't know why Tee is getting into these shows lately but hey, whatever floats your boat. I love her anyway. I just sit and watch and shake my head and wonder what happened to the music. Seriously...

From Breadwinner to Housewife ~A Journey

2009-01-25T17:36:00.000-08:00

I have been here for 5 months now. I have had 5 months to clear the cobwebs and become a new person.
This chapter of my life has been interesting so far. I have gone from breadwinner to housewife and it seems I have lost a huge part of my identity in the process.

Unsure of what role it is I am playing, I have been wandering around aimlessly and reinventing myself once again. This journey is not new. I have played many roles in my life. Daughter, Granddaughter, Lover, Wife, Mother, Manager, Sister, Friend. It is an interesting process called living.

I never imagined grief would make me feel so old. I never realized grief strips away a huge part of your soul and leaves such a huge empty hole in you to fill.

I also never knew that in the course of a long term relationship the roles change and become interchangeable. I thought I was sure of who I was when I was in my 20's. Then that was laughable when I turned 30 and it all changed again. Now in my 40's I am becoming a new person for the millionth time. Is this what life is? The ever changing roles of a woman or man? Do you ever get to find out who it is you are? Do you ever get to realize the fullness of yourself and just accept who you are?

I suppose some people are aware of who they are and it never changes for them. I feel fortunate to have had many opportunities to change the person I am. I feel lucky to have this fresh start in my life and the possibilities are
endless for me at this time.

All time is now. Past, Present and Future. It all is making so much sense to me. I have lived a few lives I'm sure. But I am not an old soul yet. I believe I have many more journeys in this life and after this life. I am too new at this. I have always had a wandering soul. A spirit that is searching for fulfillment. I am never
content with myself exactly as I am. It is a burden sometimes, but I can also see it as a blessing if I allow myself that luxury.

Tomorrow Tee has a job interview. I feel pretty confident she will get it. This will leave me with some actual hours to fill each day where I am alone. I have many things to occupy my time. This house is large, the upkeep is not minimal. I have come full circle. I have not been a meal planner for many years. I have not cooked for many years. That is my job now. I am enjoying it.

I find it curious that I have come full circle about 13 years later. I do not have small children to care for any longer but I do have a partner and animals to nurture and love. I do not feel as needed as I once did but there
is a great freedom in that.

Each day is a new page. A blank slate. It is up to me to write the words that are there.
I am doing it.
I am living.
I am grateful.

Insomnia and Binge Eating

2009-01-24T14:40:00.000-08:00

I used to have insomnia a few times a week. I would snuggle for awhile with T. waiting for sleep to overtake me and then get up and enjoy the quiet of the night. I would spend some time reading and eating and maybe take a bath, then I would get back into bed and fall asleep. This was a pattern of mine for years.

In 2007 when T. and I lived apart for the first time, I started taking Tylenol PM every night and the insomnia went away. Recently it has come back. I am trying to wean myself from the Tylenol PM and of course the old insomnia was waiting patiently, wanting to show it's ugly face.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I got up and came back into the living room and heard the old voices in my head telling me to eat. I am of course trying to change my eating habits and I've been pretty much in control for over a month now. So the fact that the binge monster showed up at the same time as the insomnia monster really threw me. I tried to talk myself out of it. Searching for something on TV to watch instead. It didn't work.

I ate but not too much. It was the equivalent of a normal meal. I even calculated the calories of my "binge".. What bothers me about it is that I felt so out of control. It was like I saw myself doing it and couldn't stop.

I have always had issues with food. It has been my comforter, my friend, my sleeping pill. I am trying to change my feelings about food and look at it as just nourishment but it's hard to let old habits and feelings die. I realize this has been going on for years and it's not going to change overnight.

I remember being a child and lying awake in my room listening to my Mom rummaging for food and eating uncontrollably. I also heard the purging that went on afterward. My Mom was a bulimic. I imagine it was her control in life. She had so little control over my Father's drinking and needed to control something. I wasn't really aware of what was happening then but in retrospect I can see it clearly now. I believe those things stay with you and make imprints on your psyche. They can influence your choices and they certainly influenced mine.

I have never been a healthy eater. I have always eaten what tastes good and on no kind of schedule. This healthy eating is brand new to me. It's a brand new challenge I am taking on and I'm excited to see where it takes me.

I'm trying new foods and recipes daily. It's a wonderful thing to eat healthy and still enjoy the food I am eating. I have always equated healthy eating with food that tastes lousy or bland. Last night we had brown rice with a new chicken dish I tried. It was delicious. It is something I plan on continuing.

I couldn't sleep last night so I got up and binge ate. It is a pattern and a cycle in me. I acknowledge it and let it go. Today is a new day and my eating is back on track. I worked out and it felt extra good to get rid of some of those calories. One of the extra bonuses is that I indulged my cravings and now they are gone.

I Don't Feel Like Blogging

2009-01-21T20:20:00.000-08:00

I had a wonderful day yesterday and today. I lost another 2 pounds since last Wednesday! Stepping up those workouts has done the trick.

I have not felt like blogging for two days now and I'm not sure why that is. I think it's because of the hope and joy I was feeling yesterday and not wanting to come down because of all the criticisms and comments I always read where politics are concerned.

I know everyone is entitled to their opinion and all that. I just didn't feel like reading about it. My choice.

Today I had my Alanon meeting and as always it brought up a tremendous amount of feelings in me. I cried a lot as I seem to do in my meetings and starting talking about my Dad (who passed away 8 months ago) and how his alcoholism affected me. Or more how his death from Pancreatic Cancer (caused by the drinking) affected me. And it was more ugly grief that I needed to feel.

So for two days now I've been crying. For two completely different reasons. Oh, I am still watching CNN as I did until midnight last night. And I'm still crying about politics (but joyful tears).

But I'm also crying about my Dad today and tonight. I just miss him. I never thought I would miss him this much. I didn't have a real relationship with him but he was still my Dad. The choices he made in his life affected me as his daughter. I have some regret but not a lot. I just really wish it could have been different.

And I wish he hadn't chosen to suffer with Cancer and not tell anyone how much pain he was in. I wish he didn't chose to drink up until the last week of his life. I wish he didn't think that we would all judge him and make him stop drinking. I wish he didn't think he was a fuck up because he drank so much..

He wasn't a fuck up . He was and alcoholic but I still loved him. And I miss him so much right now.

So forgive me if I can't write or read everyones posts on their feelings about the Election. I always seem to make conservative friends. I don't know why, I just do. I love you all just the same. It's awesome to read other points of view but right now I can't seem to do it. I want to be happy about the inauguration while simultaneously feel very sad about my Father.

I don't know why.

Beautiful Day ~January 20, 2009

2009-01-20T10:56:00.000-08:00

This is a beautiful and historic day.

I don't have the time to put it into words properly. I hope to do a real entry soon. Hope you all have a joyous and beautiful day wherever you are.

We Proved How Great We ARE!!

2009-01-18T16:14:00.000-08:00

WE DID IT!!

We won the Championship and we're on our way to the Superbowl!

The Eagles pulled ahead and we still proved we are the champs! We will win in two weeks too. Just watch us!

I LOVE my Cardinals!! This is incredible. We don't have much of our voices left. lol

All I Can Say Is...

2009-01-18T10:02:00.000-08:00

Today is the Day! If the Cardinals win they go to the Superbowl! Nobody thought they could get this far. I have always believed. Go Cardinals!

I made a Mexican stew in the crockpot yesterday that turned out amazing. I love that it's fat free and delicious. And I love that we both enjoyed it. There is a lot left to eat throughout the week too. Today I have a Roast in the crockpot cooking all day. Tonight we shall have a feast. Served with mashed potatoes and au jus gravy, broccoli and a salad. It's almost completely healthy! I need my red meat.

I have been on facebook quite a bit. It's pretty cool there, I have found some old high school friends and I've been chatting with my ex. It's interesting. His sister found me too. She posted some pictures from Christmas and of course my kids are in them. I'm glad I got to see them. His family still loves me. It's nice to feel some roots.

No big plans today. The car is in desperate need of a washing. I may do that for my exercise. I am taking the day off from working out. My muscles are sore. I hope you all have a great Sunday. We sure will :)

Headache

2009-01-16T12:53:00.000-08:00

I've got a headache this afternoon. I think I may have pulled something in my neck during my morning workout. I worked out really hard again today. 30 minutes of intense cardio and 30 minutes of strength training. I'm on a roll! 3 days in a row now. I plan on doing just cardio tomorrow and resting on Sunday. That's what Sunday's are for right?

I bought some Turkey Breast lunch meat Tuesday. I've never bought turkey before. I usually just eat bologna or peanut butter. It's actually really good. I like it. Not crazy like but just like-like.. I have also switched to whole wheat bread which I have never eaten in my life. I've been eating it for over a month now. Not bad. It is just an acquired taste I suppose. Learning to love it.

In sparkpeople they give you a calorie range to follow. Mine is 1340 to 1690. I try to stay at the low end of the calories but lately I've been falling more at the high range. But I'm still holding steady with my weight so I'm happy. I have increased my exercise so I'm hoping I start losing again soon. If I could drop back to the low end of the calorie range I'm sure it would help but I still have to have a sugar snack each day and I just get hungry a lot!

I have to say I feel better than I ever have now that I have cut my sugar down to almost nothing! I eat brown sugar in my oatmeal and have one sugar snack a day. I do get some sugar in fruit and bread but that's really all. It has made a huge difference.

Now if only I could get rid of my caffeine addiction!! lol At least I like my coffee black.